Engagement.

I've thought about this way to much. Obviously, since I'm a girl. I told Nicholas I wouldn't live with him until we were engaged. And now it's just the waiting game until he asks me. The problem is, I want it to be perfect. This is a story I'll be telling over & over & over again. I want everything to be amazing! First thing is date. One thing I know, I definitely don't want it to be on Valentines Day. Even though me & Nick do have a cute kind of past story about Valentines Day. I think proposals on Valentines Day are way to obvious, and way to cliche. I think I would actually really like a Christmas Day proposal. I can't imagine what present Nick would get me. I have absolutely everything I could ever want or need. I know I'm like my mom and I'm probably one of the worst people to get presents for, because anytime I want or need anything... I get it for myself. But then just a random day would be cute too. I would want it planned and cute, but not so planned that I knew exactly what was going to happen. I don't want to know it's coming. I want to be blind sided. I want to be surprised. I think the biggest thing is what he says. It has to be so heart felt. It has to be amazing. It has to take my breath away. Nick is a song writer, a lyrical genius. I expect so much more from him then I would from someone else. One of the most amazing proposals, well two of the most amazing proposals are from Pride & Prejudice.

" I have struggled in vain and I can bear it no longer. These past months have been a torment. I came to Rosings with the single object of seeing you, I had to see you. I have fought against my judgement, my families expectations, the inferiority of birth, my rank and circumstances. And all these things I am willing to put aside and ask you to end my agony. I love you. Most ardently. Please do me the honor of accepting my hand."

" You must know, surely you must know it was all for you. You are too generous to trifle with me, you spoke with my aunt last night and it has taught me to hope... which I have scarcely allowed myself before. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not changed. But one word from you will silence me forever.... If however, your feelings have changed. I will have to tell you, you have bewitched body and soul. and i love, i love, i love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on."



Wow. So amazing. I got goosebumps. I want something so amazing and poetic like this. If only my life was a movie and I could always have perfect amazing piano back round music. Anyways, next important. Is the ring. The ring MUST be perfect. Of course I've been looking on pinterest. And found some great ones. I think my favorite one EVER is this.

http://www.pinterest.com/shannybabe7/engagement-rings/

Here's a link to all the rings I've pinned that I like :) I'm a fan of a small basic (or vintage detailing) band. and a big rock :) I really hope Nick stalks my blog, or asks my friend, or something before buying me a ring. I go with the Sex & The City phrase. Wrong ring, wrong guy.

Engagement, Living together, Marriage, Children.

That's my order.
I want to live with Nicholas. DESPERATELY. as you could guess from my last post. I NEED to get out of my house. For 298732987432897 reasons. I want to live with Nick more then I've ever wanted to live with anyone. I can't imagine ever getting sick of him. I want to be around him ALL THE TIME. But I do have a disclaimer. I want a ring on my finger first. I want to live with him before we're actually married. But I do what that commitment that we both now that it's what we ultimately want and are headed for. But I want it to happen NOW! The only somewhat time we've talked about it that he's given me a time-frame he told me A YEAR! A YEAR! That may sound reasonable under different circumstances. But I don't know if I could handle a year of doing what were doing. I need more time with him. I need to sleep with him every night. I need to wake up to him every morning. At the same time I don't want to rush any commitment that he's not ready for on his part. Which is exactly why i'm telling this to my blog and not him. But I'm so ready for it NOW! gahhh.

It's been awhile.

Hey bloggie.
It's been awhile since I've blogged. I've been really busy with Nicholas. And it's kind of awkward to try and blog about him while he's sitting right next to me! hahah. Me & Nick have been official since Oct 20th. Which isn't long at all. But i'm so desperately in love with him. I've literally NEVER felt like this before. I can go on with all these other cliche quotes that I always thought were bull shit. But they're really not. Sometimes you DO really JUST KNOW. I love him more then I have EVER loved ANYONE. In my entire life. He IS my other half. I depend on him. I feel incomplete without him. I hate being without him. For even a second. I hate when he's at work. I hate when i'm at work. I hate when I can't sleep with him. I just want to spend EVERY SECOND WITH HIM! I'm freaking OBSESSED! haha. In a good romantic cute way. haha. Really though. He just left, and I already miss him. I would give up EVERYTHING for him. I would do ANYTHING for him. And I know most of these things should be accustom in a relationship, and i've been in plenty. But I've never felt like I was completely content with them. I always thought in the back of my mind, what about my ex boyfriend, what about guys I haven't got the chance to meet, I always somewhat second guessed being with them. I somewhat saw myself marrying them, but just because that's what is expected when you're together for a certain amount of time. I find myself fantasizing about mine & nicks life together. And how we'd be living together, getting married, having children. I CRAVE that life with him. I'm actively trying to get there. I'm so in love with him I can't even try to attempt to describe it.

boyfran.

There's just one thing I wish I could change about me & Nick getting together. I was very specific on not saying 'love' that we 'loved' eachother. And of course, the time he decides to say it to me. I'm absolutely sloshed. I can recall the word, but nothing else. And him saying immediately "you don't need to say anything." It's just all so fuzzy. I wish it was more romantic. More memorable. More, better? But cutest thing. The next night, we start talking about other stuff- getting tired & ready to go to bed and he says "I meant it." And I say "meant what?" He replied "you'll figure it out." there was a brief pause, and then I said "I love you too." 

ADORBS right!? hahaahaha. It was super cute. So I guess that made up for the original ' i love you. '

my blog is compromised!

I showed Nick my blog! Ah! Probably not the best idea I've ever had. Letting him into my head entirely. Some things are better left unsaid. I'm sure everything will be fine since he's my boyfriend & all. Oh yes, we're official now. :) Nick isn't the super stalkie type. Nothing like me! hahaha. Horrible stalker. I'm a girl though, it comes with the territory right? Yeah. I'll just pretend it's okay. hahah. But now i'm terrified of posting things and having him stalk them! haha. I could always make my blog private. But maybe I eventually want him to read it? Maybe that's why I showed him in the first place? hm. Don't know. Don't care.

I'll continue blogging my thoughts without any thought to the possible consequences.

Codependent.

 Am I being selfish? Or do I just not want them to be right? I'm not wanting to loose him for a million of different reasons. Is it fair to put our love through this test? But will it honestly ever be love if I don't? Will I ever know that it's real? Or will I always hold this above my head. Above his head. What if I do the test? What if it's failed. Worst case scenario they're right. Worst case scenario, I wait for him and he moves on. And then I know that our love was never real. But is that fair? Will I have this deep relief of thank god, now I understand he's just a fucked up person and never loved me at all? Will I really be saving myself? Will I really be saving Emery? But what if he does wait? Does that put this grand fucking bow on everything and then I'll never have these concerned feelings again? Oh okay, he stayed. He waited for me for X amount of time. So he must truly love me. I can't say that I could honestly be convinced. And what if I can't wait? I've spent so much time by myself. It's nice to feel this way again. I don't want to loose him. I don't know that I could wait. Regardless if he'd be willing to. I want to be with someone. I want to be happy. Why should I sacrifice our time now to put us through this fucking test that I don't even know will honestly help anything in the long run? HE'S HERE NOW. He's came back now. How am I somewhat convinced and you're not at all? Can you not see what I see. Can you not feel his genuineness? Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm naive. Maybe you're right all along. Maybe everything is just codependency. But how will putting us both through this test honestly help anything? Do you think it will cure this? HE KNOWS. I'm not fucking oblivious to the past. I know him. I know him as much as you do. I don't care where I've been. I believe I know him. I believe our relationship isn't comparable to any of his others. And if I'm wrong. then I'm wrong. But it doesn't feel the same. He's acknowledging. He's trying. Has he done that with anyone else? Or was it just emptiness? It doesn't feel empty to me. I know there's truth behind it all. But it's not like I haven't figured that out on my own. But I know, I know that I'm worth it. He knows that I'm worth it. You should know that I'm worth it. I am the best he will get. And I'd like to feel that he's the best for me. He brings out this side in me he makes me better. He makes me happy. Happier than I can ever recall being. And for you to shut this down and tell me it's not real is not fair. Regardless the betrayal on his part. What about me? What about everything that I feel? I'm not the one with the problem? So the fact that I fell in love with him is suppose to be ignored? Too bad so sad. I shouldn't have put myself in that situation to begin with? Does that imply that his feelings aren't real, so mine can't be real either? Well it's not something that I can just move on from. Looking back on his Facebook has my mind racing. Even though it was years ago, Every status is about a girl. It will be a month referencing a girl, then 'in a relationship' then a week or two of sad posts, then all the sudden happy ones about a different girl. Then 'in a relationship' over & over & over & over. I know him, I know his faults. But I have to acknowledge that there has been improvement. HUGE. How can you not see that? Also. looking on his facebook, he hasn't deleted anything. Except for everything about me. EVERYTHING. The only thing that's still there is 'in a relationship' in March. And my memory isn't entirely the greatest at that point in my life. And I know that I did have his facebook password & such. So maybe I went through and deleted everything. Very well possible. But if it wasn't me. That has more to say about our relationship then anything. If he has left every single post, every single line, every single 'relationship' update. Why would he delete ours? Unless, even back then... our relationship was different. Well, obviously it was different. But in that sense that he really really loved me. He was willing to marry me. He would have married me. There is a difference in the fact that after one month, while I was pregnant with another persons kid, he would have married me. Maybe it was just the situation. Maybe it was just the fact that he was so codependent and he saw an opportunity to have a consistent family and that's why he did it. But why did he never marry Jackie then? He had everything. Two kids. A girl who ALL SHE WANTED was to marry him. Obsessively so. Why did he never commit to her? That would have been perfect to his codependency. Maybe it's because deep down he knew that he wasn't IN LOVE with her. That he wasn't ever going to be completely happy with her. That he would never be completely content. And I'm not saying entirely that it means he will be with me. But I feel like it is progress. He does want someone. But who doesn't? Everyone wants to be happy, everyone wants that person in their life to make them feel 'whole'.

me&nicholas.

Taurus and Gemini

This could not be more spot on.

When Taurus and Gemini come together in a love affair, they must both take the time to learnwhat the dynamics of the relationship are and how they can best get along. They both have much to offer one another and much to learn in this relationship, but it will take a bit of adjustment and effort on both sides. Gemini’s Symbol is the Twins; this Sign can often be of two minds about things. If possessive Taurus is able to let go and give one Twin the relationship security and intimacy it wants while allowing the other Twin its freedom, things will go well between these two. Taurus may want too much for Gemini’s taste early in the relationship, but Gemini can become dependable and steady — Taurus must simply be patient.

Taurus’s sedate, practical approach to life differs greatly from Gemini’s more light, intellectualapproach. This can be a difficult dynamic, since Gemini may see Taurus as a bit dull while Taurus may see Gemini as flighty and lacking in substance. They have much to teach one another, however: Taurus can help Gemini become more deeply involved in life; Gemini can help Taurus add variety, fun and excitement to their life.

Taurus is ruled by the Planet Venus (Love) and Gemini is ruled by the Planet Mercury (Communication). Since both of these Planets are close to the Sun, they’re always in the same neighborhood even though they’re very different. Venus is all about physical pleasures, romance and sensuality. Mercury has both masculine and feminine energy, and Gemini takes on whichever energy best serves at any given moment. Taurus is just looking for a dependable, sensual partner, so Gemini’s brilliance may be lost on the Bull. This may be trouble, since Geminis often feel like their quick wits are the most important thing about themselves. The good thing is, Gemini is smart enough to learn to be the romantic, sensual partner that Taurus craves.

Taurus is an Earth Sign and Gemini is an Air Sign. Gemini makes decisions based on intellect (and whim), while Taurus is more practical. Taurus asks, ‘How will this help me achieve my goals in life?’ while Gemini goes with the moment, never feeling too pressured to stick to a set plan. If Taurus gives in to those Bullish possessive feelings, or if Gemini is aloof and detached (as they often are), this relationship may suffer. Both Signs must strive to stay open and flexible in order to make this union work. Though Gemini seems unpredictable, Taurus can learn to understand that although Gemini may flirt, the relationship is still important to them. And though Taurus seems overly stubborn, Gemini must use their flexibility to bend to their partner’s will on occasion.

Taurus is a Fixed Sign and Gemini is a Mutable Sign. Taurus tends to focus on one thing, person, idea at a time, while Gemini moves from one thing (or person) to the next according to impulse. Taurus must provide Gemini with ample independence and breathing space — and try to learn Gemini’s lesson, that versatility is sometimes better than a Fixed determination to do things one’s own way.

What’s the best aspect of the Taurus-Gemini relationship? The security the two can give each other once Taurus allows Gemini to offer that security freely. As long as both partners communicate with each other, theirs will be a stable and happy relationship.