Dear Emery,

Your little hand's wrapped around my finger,
And it's so quiet in the world tonight.
Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming.
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light.
To you everything's funny, you got nothing to regret.
I'd give all I have, honey if you could stay like that.

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up.
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little.
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up.
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple.
I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart.
And no one will desert you, just try to never grow up.

Pet Peeves.

1. Being lied to.
2. Being stood up.
3. Being ditched.
   YES. There is a difference, being stood up is being ditched without ever being told that the other person isn't coming. Being ditched is when someone who has plans with you, & then let's you know last minute that it's not happening.
4. Having my phone calls ignored.
5. When someone stops talking to me completely, and never tells me why.
6. Being itchy.
7. Repeating myself.
8. Hypocrites.
9. Perverts, guys that constantly take everything sexual.
10. When someone re-sends the same text when you don't respond quick enough.
11. When a mother calls their daughter "sister".
12. When the tiolet paper is put on the roll the wrong way.
13. When my DVR doesn't record my shows, or records like 46 minutes? instead of the full hour. Or the show runs long so I miss the last couple minutes.
14. When people don't use turn signals.
15. When people forget to turn their turn signals off.
16. People that can't spell, or talk like idiots. example: aY gUrL. u r sO hawt. The word "you & are" are really not long people.
17. When people have really bad b.o.
18. When people have bad breath.
19. When a guy's a bad kisser.
20. Being called "dude."
    
    Well. That's all I can think of for now :) haha.

Irony.

Is this just me? Or does this happen to other people also?

It seems that everyone I ever kissed, dated, or liked in high school, or jr. high is INCREDIBLY UGLY. Someone will bring someone up in random conversation "Oh yeah I saw so&so yesterday." - "Yeah, I dated him in high school." - "seriously... sick." Hahahaha. It just seems to happen to me that way. All of these people were attractive when I liked them. But now there nasty, ugly, druggies, or pathetic white trash smokers. Or something of that nature. I'm embarassed of almost everyone I've dated. Hahahahahhaha.

Now, of course on the flip side. Guys that I REJECTED in high school, for whatever reason.....are now gorgeous, smart, funny nice guys. Husband type material. Be nice to nerds, you're going to end up wanting to marry one someday.

Dream Journal.

I decided I wanted to keep a dream journal, since I can type fast- and hate my hand writing. I decided I'll just put them in a blog. They probably won't make sense to anyone else. So it's more for me, and so I can find out what they mean? But if you'd like to read them, and try to understand them... You're more than welcome :) haha. I'm going to try and do it as soon as I wake up, so I can remember most of the details.

9/26 Sunday night.
Me and a girl friend, someone who was a good friend to me, but in my dream her appearance wasn't anyone I knew. Me and her were at discovery park and decided to eat some Razzles, and once we ate them we went back in time. The first one we took, we went back to 1983 to some kind of foot ball game at discovery park. There were guys with blue & white coloring on their faces. And lots of "83's" And my girl friend said that we needed to party like it was 1983, because it was. Haha. Then the next thing I remember is that we started going forward in time, and I was in 6th grade, but was living it out through my 6th grade self. I was in the car with my girl friend and we had been staying in our 6th grade self for awhile. We tried to eat the Razzles to move forward in time, but nothing was working. We tried eating more Razzles, and Orbit gum? Everything I could find in my pocket. But nothing was having us move forward in time. We assumed because we had stayed so long at one time, and we would just have to live our life's from then on. But we were both really upset we couldn't go back to our original time. And that's all I can remember. :) hahha.

My interpretation.
I'm assuming that this dream is about a current relationship I have with a guy. We both like each other, but we're not together. We got in a fight Sunday night. So I'm assuming my dream was in reaction to that. My self conscious mind is telling me that I'm stuck in one place with him, and can't move forward? Or it could also be representing my life. I'm still at home, living with my mother, haven't started any kind of schooling yet. Been at the same job for 3 years. It could just be representing my life entirely. That I'm stuck at one place and can't move forward?

Movie List.

Just a list of movies I want to see :) The one's I've watched will be crossed out & given a number between 1-5 depending on how much i liked it :)

Milk. Some Kind of Wonderful. Fight Club. The Godfather. Shawshank Redemption. Slumdog Millionaire. Garden State. The Ex. 1 Angels & Demons. A Beautiful Mind. 3 1/2 Far From Heaven. 2 1/2 Good Will Hunting. Shakesphere in Love. 8 Mile. The Matrix. American Beauty. The Soloist. 2 Maid in Manhatten. 2 1/2 Revolutionary Road. Blow. 3 Chocolat. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Black Hawk Down. Sense and Sensibility. Grace is Gone. Romeo & Juliet. Lord of the Rings. Batman Begins. The Dark Knight. The Wedding Planner. 1. Zombie Land. Someone Like You. 2 The Man in The Moon. 3 Law Abiding Citizen. Traitor. Spread. 4 Donnie Darko. 3 1/2. Transformers 2 Kate & Leopold. 2 The Informant. 1 1/2 Ever After. Nine. Love Happens. 2 1/2 Sunday's At Tiffanys. 3 The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. An Education. Sherlock Holmes. 3 1/2 A Single Man. Our Family Wedding. Duplicity. 2 1/2 Edge of Darkness. Percy Jackson & The Olympians. 3 Repo Men. 3 The Last Song. 3 Date Night. 2 1/2 Kick-Ass. Bad Lietenant. Couples Retreat. 2 The Backup Plan. How to Train Your Dragon. 4 Letters to Juliet. It's Complicated. 2 1/2 Get Him to The Greek. Killers. 3 Karate Kid. About A Boy. 3 Ramona & Beezus. 3 Salt. Charlie St. Cloud. 4 The Sorcerer's Apprentice. The Other Guys. The Switch. Scott Pilgrim vs. the world. 3 Easy A. 3 1/2 Inception. 4 The Craigslist Killer. The Ghost Writer. Prince of Persia. Mega Mind. Jackass 3D. The Social Network. 3 1/2. You again. Going the Distance. 3 It's Kind Of A Funny Story. Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows. Never Let Me Go. Life As We Know It. How Do You Know. Burlesque. Due Date. Love and Other Drugs. Tangled. The Tourist. Pirates of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. The Town. 4. Beastly. Nowhere Boy. Black Swan. Just Go With It. Hall Pass. Limitless. The Lincoln Lawyer. The Adjustment Bureau. Source Code. Your Highness. Water for Elephants.

Boys.

This blog is being written in anger over boys. Honestly, when do boys grow up? I need to meet a guy that's honest, blunt, above all things. I keep having all kinds of trouble with boys. The number 1 thing that pisses me off, is when people don't tell me their feelings. I understand they're men, I don't expect us to eat ice cream, watch chick flicks, and cry all night. Not even close. BUT, if I piss you off. TELL ME. If I do something to offend you, TELL ME. Nothing's ever going to be resolved if you don't tell me when i'm doing something wrong. The past couple guy's i've been interested in, decide to just randomly stop talking to me. Which is probably the most annoying thing ever. Just be a man, and tell me what it is. If you don't want to date me, fine. If you like someone else, fine. Whatever it is, just be a man about it. Don't just ignore me like were in 5th grade. Seriously. I'm able to leave you alone, and get over the fact that you're not interested if I just know the reasoning behind it. I'm so annoyed. When do people grow out of this stage?

Emery.

Well, i'm sure alot of you know the story about my daughter. But if you don't, i'll put it all right here. So now you can know. I got pregnant July 27th 2008. Which means I had just barley turned 17. And which also means, I was almost a month pregnant when I started my senior year. Of course I didn't know at that time. Even when I did miss my period, I didn't think too much of it. I was 17, I wasn't sexually active, I didn't time my period's at all. When I realized I had maybe missed a period, I assumed it was just the stress of starting school. (I have missed a period completley in the past) Anyway, all that talk out of the way. I really didn't think to much of it, I wasn't sick, I didn't really have any signs at all. But then, the next month once again, no visit from aunt flo. I started thinking, hm. I may be pregnant, but naw. It wouldn't happen to me. I was literally in denial for at least 3 months. But, that's when I started feeling sick. I had very very little morning sickness. And my heart goes out to people that did. But, I did feel sick and have odd cravings for about a month. I knew I was pregnant, but still actually in denial. I didn't even want to consider believing it. I didn't even want to think about telling my mother. I kept making up excuses like, I shouldn't ruin her weekend. I don't want to ruin her week. I don't want to ruin halloween. I don't want to ruin thanksgiving. & I of course didn't want to ruin christmas. But, after christmas. 5 months along. I had gained 10 lbs. I deffinitely didn't look pregnant, But I knew I was going to. And I couldn't hide it anymore. So I told my mother. Which was the hardest thing i've done to date. I never even told her, I started bawling and she ended up asking me. She went into shock for weeks, she didn't sleep, didn't eat. I felt awful, but what could I do? When she finally came to a somewhat normal state. We talked about adoption. To be honest, I didn't even consider keeping my daughter at that point. I was 17 years old. & No offense to either of you (if you know who you are) But I had only known a couple of girls who had been pregnant, and they both gave up. I honestly just assumed it was something I was suppose to do. And I knew from the beginning the father wouldn't be involved. So I started going to LDS family services meetings, looking at families, ect. This time I was still going to school, at Pleasant Grove High. I still wasn't showing. But I started wearing baggy clothing to school. Just to be more careful. I didn't want anyone knowing. I didn't want anyone judging. I didn't want anyone's rude remarks, a pregnant girl in high school, you know. So, I went along going to school, working, not really showing my pregnant belly, going to LDS family services, looking at families. I kept up with that for awhile. My mother and I decided to try and not tell anyone until we had to. Including our family. Which maybe sounds completely rude, and selfish, and I don't even know what else. But It sounds wrong. But we knew from the beginning they wouldn't approve. And those who don't know my family, I'm referring to my grandma, grandpa, & 2 aunts. It's not that my family doesn't believe in adoption, it's just that they believe children should be looked at as a blessing, not anything else. They knew that my daughter wouldn't have a horrible life with me. It's not that they wanted me to give her less than what she deserved or anything along those lines. It's not that they're selfish. Not at all. It's really hard to explain if you don't know them. But, they knew me. I use to rescue dogs when I was younger, just recently (right before I got pregnant, or I may have been a couple months pregnant, i don't know) My friend's boyfriend moved into an apartment and couldn't take his dogs, I took them and found them all good homes. But I cried EVERYTIME one of those puppies left. I had formed a bond with them after just a couple days, how was I going to give away my own daughter? I honestly wasn't in the right mindset. I just assumed I could give her away, and not think about it again. Maybe that's bad to say, but I didn't even think about it being difficult. But when I started feeling that baby move. (I think she was sitting in the back of stomach, or wherever they sit where you don't show & you don't feel movement) Because I didn't start showing until I was about 7 months. & I didn't feel a kick or anything until about 6. It suddenly all started seeming real. But when it really started to feel real is when my aunts found out. (7 months) I was showing so much, and I tried to hide it. But they figured it out. And talked to me. And made me stop and think. This wasn't going to be like giving away something i didn't care about, this wasn't even going to be close to giving away a puppy. They begged and pleaded with me to keep her, to move in with them, that they'd help in anyway they could. My mom always told me from the beginning she'd support either way. But, in my heart. I knew she wanted adoption. (i love you mom if your reading this! don't be mad) But, I believe she did. It's not that she didn't want to be a grandmother, or she'd disown her or anything. It's just, I was 17. I didn't know how to make mack & cheese without reading the box. How would I be as a mother? But after seriously talking with my aunts, alot, I couldn't decide what to do. But I started thinking seriously about how my life would be after, if I did go through with it. How could I live with that regret, and wondering "what if i kept her?" Or, what if I couldn't have other children after? Or, if I did, always wondering "what if Emery was like this?" & with an open adoption, watching someone else raise my child. And, I don't mean to be rude to anyone that has given up, I honestly think you are a very strong person. Maybe me wanting to keep was selfish. But, I knew she wouldn't have a bad life with me. If I ever thought in my mind that I would be turned out on the street, or anything like that. I would have never kept. It doesn't matter how bad I would have wanted to, I would have never put my daughter through something like that. But, I knew it wouldn't be, Maybe it wouldn't be the perfect life I wanted. I wasn't 26, married, in a house, graduated from college, in a good career. But does that mean I have to give up my child because my life wasn't perfect? The way I saw it, was there would always be an adoptive family that could offer my daughter more than I could. But does that mean everyone gives their children away? No. Once again, I'm not trying to be selfish, or sound rude. So sorry if I am. But, I realized it was something I could do, and wanted to do. I always wanted kids. Always. Never a doubt in my mind. I loved my cousins, I always loved kids. Anyway, long story short. I decided to keep her. I knew I had so much love and support from my family. And I knew I wouldn't be a bad mother. So, I decided to keep. During all this time I was still going to school. People started spreading rumors around the time I was 8 months pregnant. I know right? haha. I was showing, but, not tons. I was wearing only hugggge sweat pants & hoodies to school. My due date was april 18th. Which was on a saturday, that week was Spring break, so the following monday would be back to school. I was scheduled to be induced on wednesday the 16th. And I wanted to be back to school by the monday after spring break, but I wasn't sure how well that was going to work. Since I decided to keep my daughter so late in my pregnancy my baby shower was scheduled on April 4th. A saturday 2 weeks before my due date. My last week at school was the worst, I still stayed at PGHS, i didn't want to go to east shore. (packet's high school) I had extra credits so I only had 3 classes one day, and 2 the next. And I knew if I went to east shore, I wouldn't get it done. I was so close to finishing. I just wanted to stay and get it done. My last week of school (not last week as in the last forever, just I was taking my "materinity leave" from school so to speak) That week was horrible, it was a week before my baby shower. So the last week of march, I was obviously huge. 8 1/2 months pregnant. I still tried to hide it, but you can't really hide a belly that big. EVERY person I would pass in the hall would stare at my stomach. At lunch, my last friday I actually saw people pointing and read their lips " Yeah, she's pregnant." Yeah, I was pregnant. But, having everyone stare and talk about you like that. I don't know, it's like a scene in a movie. You just feel like an outcast. So, that was my last day at school until I would go back after having Emery. I decided to stay at work one more week, I only got 6 weeks of materinity leave, and I thought that it would be better to use that while I had a newborn baby & trying to go to school. So I worked out that first week of April. April 3rd (friday) was my last day. I felt AWFUL the entire day. And when I got home, my mom was having me clean for the baby shower the next day. And I just started crying my eyes out. And said I was in pain. Once I started crying, she went "oh, I just thought you didn't want to clean, well go lay down." So me & my mom layed in her bed, and starting watching seven pounds (the movie). But it kept getting interupted by my crying. We started timing how far apart my contractions were, they were about every 2 minutes. & if it's closer than 4, you're in labor. But, honestly, at that point I didn't think I was in labor. They were cramps, and they hurt. But not bad. When she called the hospital, they said I could come in and they could monitor me, but it was probably false labor pains, because they are really common the last month. especially the last couple weeks. After another half hour of contractions (that started coming every minute by the way) My mom decided to take me to the hospital. & I actually was mad. I was like uuuuh. I don't want to get up and go all the way there. Because I thought they were going to send me home, I honestly didn't think I was in labor. Oooh. And that wednesday I had a doctors appointment (before this) & I was dialated to a 1 1/2. When I went into the hospital I was a 3. So the nurse said "You're probably in labor, but we'll have to check you for an hour." So they monitored everything for an hour, and then she came in and checked me again. After the hour, I still wasn't sure if I was in labor. But I knew, if I wasn't. That I wanted them to give me some drugs to take. I was in pain every minute. After the hour, I was about a 3 1/2. So she said, hm. We'll watch you for another hour. That hour, was AWFUL! I squeezed my mom's hand during every contraction, her fingers LITERALLY turned purple. and once they got their color again, ooh. another contraction. hahah. After that longggg hour. I was a 4. So she decided to admit me. Once I got my room, she asked if & when I wanted a epidural. I said YES & ASAPPP! I had about another half hour of horrible contractions. (I'm really sorry to people who have way long painful labors, mine really wasn't that bad, well, it wasn't long at least haha) The worst I would have to say is when I got the epidural, not because of the needle or anything. But, for anyone who's reading this that has had an epidural, you have to sit in the most awkward position, sitting, with your back arched, top of your back out, bottom of your back out, middle in. It's really strange, But. While I was getting it, BIG CONTRACTION. And, my contractions and that point had been really bad. I was shaking, my whole body was shaking. And sitting, just made it a billion times worse. And the man giving me the epidural said "I know your having a contraction, but you need to stop or I could paralyze you." Yeahhhh. so much for being sensitive and not freaking me out! After I got the epidural, I laid down and within a few minutes, my waist down was completely numb. And when they give you a shot, they also give you a little button to push, and when you push it- it sents more medicine into your spine to keep you numb. SO I kept pushing that every 10 minutes. hahaha. Half the time it said "dose could not be delivered." You could only do it every 30 minutes or so. So you don't overdose, but i still kept pushing it. I didn't want to risk going into that pain again. So, we went into the hospital about 1am. 2 hours of monitoring 3am. by the time i got the epidural & everything it was about 4. Luckily, my one aunt who lives about 2 hours away was up staying at my house (for the baby shower the next day) So we called my aunts, and told them I was in labor. (they wanted to be there.) So they came at that point. And got there about 4:30. That's when I started pushing, after not even a half hour of pushing. I was crowning. (Emery's head was out.) While I was pushing, it was the nurses that were helping me. So once I crowned, they said "oh, Well we don't want to have to deliver the baby, we'll call the doctor." & For those people who haven't had a baby, being crowned isn't exactly the most comfortable position ever. Imagine holding a watermellon inbetween your legs. So that doctor shows up at 6:30! almost 2 hours later! When he came in, he said "wow, Why didn't you tell me she was crowned? I didn't realize she was so far along, I took a shower, and was getting ready and everything." Yeah... thanks alot nurses. hahahaha. So, the doctor got all prepped and everything, and after like 10 minutes of pushing. She was out. Me & my mom were talking about how much she would weigh. I said 7 lbs because that's the movie we were watching when I was in labor. She ended up being 7 lbs 7 oz. & was born at exactly 7 am. Lucky right? it gets better. She was born on april 4th. Which means 4/4. Yeah. She's pretty lucky :) Well, that's the story of my labor. And decision to keep. I'm sure I could say alot more, about motherhood and everything. But we'll leave that for another day. :)