Day 06; Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.

I'm not doing a great job at doing one of these everyday, so I'll just catch up when I have time. Or just do them whenever I actually check my blog. Or maybe I'll eventually just give up.

& as far as 'interesting facts'? It's hard to determine what would is classified as 'interesting' But I'll do my best.

1. I'm a single mother.
2. I'm blunt.
3. I'm double jointed.
4. I can touch my toes to my head. (while laying on my stomach)
5. I'm a big movie buff.

This is hard. I'll come back to it. hha.
6.
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30.

Day 05; A time you thought about ending your own life.

Wow, this is a super touchy subject. But luckily for me no one reads my blog. Hahaha. I think the only times I've really honestly some-what considered it was back when I was probably 13/14? Just those big puberty years when you're trying to find yourself. And every little thing feels like it's the end of the world. I did 'cut myself' a few times, and as cliche as this is going to sound... literally everyone was doing it. I knew so many people at school that were. And none of us had hard lives. Honestly it was all just attention. I remember getting into this huge fight with this guy I was desperately in love with at the time. (who by chance, was bi-polar) which made nothing any easier. And I honestly don't even remember what the fight was about. But I remember cutting my arm with a dull dull steak knife. Thinking that I should just drown myself because that would be something quick, and a way of dying I've always heard was really peaceful. But then I remember thinking about my family, and everyone who cared about me, and all the things I wanted to accomplish in my life. And continued to cut my arm until I saw blood, and stopped. And honestly I think I even took a picture and sent it to the guy. Like, It literally makes me sick to even talk about. All this stupid shit I did just for attention. And I don't think of 'cutting' lightly. I'm glad that I had the family and friends I did to never make me seriously consider doing anything to really hurt myself. I absolutely hate suicide. I hate that we live in a world so cruel that people even for a split second think there life isn't worth living. I wish I could save everyone.

Day 04; Your views on religion.

A little late, I started this last night but I've been sick and took a little NyQuil and got way to tired. haha.

But along with my last post, I agree that everyone has freedom of religion. But my personal beliefs I would be classified as an 'agnostic'. The definition is : Agnosticism is the view that the truth values of certain claims—especially claims about the existence or non-existence of any deity, as well as other religious and metaphysical claims—are (currently) unknown. Agnosticism can be defined in various ways, and is sometimes used to indicate doubt or a skeptical approach to questions. Technically, agnosticism is a stance about the difference between belief and knowledge, rather than about any specific claim or belief. In the popular sense, an agnostic is someone who neither believes nor disbelieves in the existence of a deity or deities, whereas a theist and an atheist believe and disbelieve, respectively.Philosopher William L. Rowe states that in the strict sense, however, agnosticism is the view that humanity does not currently possess the requisite knowledge and/or reason to provide sufficient rational grounds to justify the belief that deities either do or do not exist.

I suppose that basically sums it up. I don't choose to define my life by religion. I don't know what comes after death, but I deal with it, or not deal with it. When the time comes. I'd rather just live for now.

Day 03; Your views on drugs and alcohol.

My outlook on life has always been everyone should have the freedom to make their own choices. I personally don't like drugs. I have tried a few little things. Just a few pills (that are all legal) and marijuana. All when I was much younger. But I've never touched & never will touch any 'hard stuff' like Ecstasy, Cocaine, Meth, Or Heroin. I've just seen how it's ruined so many people's lives and never even wanted to try the stuff. Alcohol on the other hand, wow.I am a HUGE fan of liquor. Probably way to big of a fan. Luckily I don't have an addictive personality, & I know I could stop if I wanted to. And I have in the past. But I am very much in a drinking every weekend routine. I drink to have a good time, to be happy, to party with my friends, to have confidence. Or I drink when I'm upset, it does help me feel better. Even for the time being. It also helps me open up, It helps me bring down my walls I've spent so much time building up. And I do like that, for short periods of time.

Day Two; Where you'd like to be in 10 years.

Hm, In 10 years I'll be 32. Where I'd like to be by the time I'm 32. Is graduated from college, with a business degree? Married, to a beautiful, amazing, successful man. And I'd be living in our amazing house. Could care less where it is. As long as it's nice, and in a good safe neighborhood. And I'd like to have had a kid or two, or three by that time. And I'd love to be in a good career. Or maybe my husband would make so much money I wouldn't have to work, and I'd be a stay at home mom. Well, depending on how many kids we have. In all honesty being a stay at home mom kind of freaks me out. I like my break. hahah. But that might just be because I'm a single mom? Regardless, I'd like to be established. 

Day One.

Day 01; Your current relationship status, how’s that going for you?

My name is Shantel, and I've been single for a year and 10 months. I convinced myself it was what I wanted. I use to get attached to quickly, rush things, always focus on being with someone. I'd end up spending so much time in relationships that never went anywhere. Because I never should have gotten in them to begin with. Or stayed in them after they hurt me. After my last relationship that was about a year and a half, I decided I wouldn't rush or stay in a relationship like that again. I think my main eye opener was my daughter. I had a man in her life everyday for a year, someone consistent, someone she depended on. And he was taken away in an instant. And she struggled with it for months. That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do to her. Luckily she was young enough, and after a couple months she couldn't recognize his pictures, or even recall his name. But I was terrified of hurting her again, hurting me again. So I decided to be single for awhile, figure out me. And I can't regret it. I do feel like that was the right choice at the time. But I just got so distant from relationships, I still built walls and don't let people in. It's so hard for me to even think about being a relationship now. Even though deep down, I know that I want one. My current crush, if you've read my past blogs you'll know is an ex from 4 years ago. And he's really opened my eyes about how much I've changed. And even if that's where our relationship ends, i'll be happy with it. I'm glad someone has shown me that I'm not this person, I'm not this person who can't open up and share her emotions. I'm not someone who shuts down, and doesn't let anyone in. I don't want to be vulnerable, but I also don't want to be alone.

I'm going to try.

Since I've been blogging like crazy lately, I'm going to try one of these things?

Day 01; Your current relationship status, how’s that going for you?
Day 02; Where you’d like to be in 10 years.
Day 03; Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 04; Your views on religion.
Day 05; A time you thought about ending your own life.
Day 06; Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.
Day 07; Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.
Day 08; A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.
Day 09; Nine things you would like to say to nine people
Day 10; Discuss your first love and first kiss.
Day 11; Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.
Day 12; Midnight snack of choice
Day 13; Somewhere you’d like to move or visit.
Day 14; Your earliest memory. 
Day 15; Something hard you have been through this year
Day 16; A letter to someone from your past.
Day 17; Seven clothing items you would like to have.
Day 18; Something or a few things that annoy you.
Day 19; One way to win your heart.
Day 20; How important you think education is.
Day 21; One of your favorite shows.
Day 22; How have you changed in the past 2 years?
Day 23; Give pictures of 5 guys who are famous who you find attractive.
Day 24; Your favorite movie and what it’s about.
Day 25; Someone who fascinates you and why.
Day 26; What kind of person attracts you?
Day 27; A confession about your life.
Day 28; Something that you miss.
Day 29; Goals for the next 30 days.
Day 30; Your favorite moment of the past month.

One day at a time.

I just need to focus on one day at time. Everyday things will get a little easier. Everyday I need to focus on not texting him, not stalking him, not calling him. Everyday it will get a little easier to get over him. For me to realize that he doesn't feel this way for me. I need to focus on me. If I spend half as much time trying to improve myself and my life, as the time I spent stalking or thinking about boys. I would definitely be where I wanted to be in life. I hate being emotional. I almost envy those psychotic people that can't feel emotions and think logically of everything. I bet they get so much farther in life.

Wasting time.

I find myself being very interested and attracted to my ex fiance. Who I was engaged to when my daughter was mere days old. And I called it off when she was mere months old. Because my intentions were faulty. I didn't love him. Very much like. But definitely not love. I purely wanted a father for my child. Whoever that may be. Luckily I realized before making a huge mistake. But now, over four years later... We have reconnected. And I can't help but having these feelings. Is it because of our past? Am I curious? Or could I have been wrong the whole time? I can't be having these feelings now. He has two kids now. My daughter has lived 4 years without a father. Can I really consider being with him again? I could have got things right all in the beginning. But I was trying to save me and my daughter from a world of hurt in the future. But was I wrong? I hate that I could have made the wrong choice. That my life could still end up where it was headed four years ago. But this time three times more complicated. Maybe i'm just over thinking. We're just talking. I haven't even seen him. But what if I see him and that makes everything more intense? I hate being a girl. I hate over thinking. I hate that I created this blog purely because my mind wouldn't stop racing and I needed to stop and write it out just to make sense of my thoughts. I'm not sure I feel any better.

I'm going insane.

Why do I ONLY WANT what I can't have? I have absolutely NO INTEREST in it at all. But the second I realize it doesn't want me. Or that I can't have it. I INSTANTLY want it. More then anything on earth. This is something that's embedded in us from birth. Children always have toys they could care less about, but then when someone else wants it. They want it. They don't want to share. It's theirs. I guess this isn't exactly the same. Obviously it's about a boy. I don't want him because someone else wants him. I want him because he doesn't want me. And the more he rejects me, the more I want him. I'm literally going insane. He's all that I think about. I use to think I missed this feeling. But now that I have it. I liked being a cynical ass hole who only used men for their bodies.

I hate being a girl.

I don't know if it's because I'm PMS-ing or I'm just tired of being alone. But I've been acting more like a 'girl' this last week than I've ever done in my entire life. Over thinking everything. Letting my emotions get the best of me. Stressing over everything he does or doesn't do. I've spent YEARS trying to break myself of this behavior. And I have to say I've gotten pretty good at it. Probably to good. Too good at putting up walls, keeping a safe distance, never having feelings. Thinking to logically, never even letting myself feel those emotions that use to once take over my life. But then it's like a light switch. And I feel just like I use to feel. And I'm not sure that I can say I like this better. I like to feel things. I like to have emotions, I like letting people in. But I need a good balance. Why can't I find that balance?

Call your girlfriend.

Call your girlfriend. It's time you had the talk. Give your reasons, say it's not her fault.
But you just met somebody new. Tell her not to get obsessed, second-guessing everything you've said and done. And then when she gets upset, tell her how you never meant to hurt no one. Then you tell her that the only way her heart will mend is when she learns to love again.

Don't you tell her how I give you something that you never even knew you missed.
Don't you even try and explain how it's so different when we kiss.



If only things had went how I planned.

In A Rut.

My life is stuck, never moving forward. I really honestly need to make a change. Acknowledging it isn't enough. I'll go through these times in my life where I get really depressed where i'm at in life and acknowledge I need to make a change, but then I keep giving myself excuses. I'm only 22, I had a child at 17, the economy is really bad right now, I need to spend money on luxuries while I have the chance. But in all honesty, my life isn't waiting. This is my life now. I've know spent the last 4 years of my life with absolutely no change. Still working at Old Navy, making only $3 more an hour then I did when I was 16. Still living at home. Haven't went back to school, well.. that's not entirely true. I did take a Pharmacy Technician course, but of course my procrastination killed that when I took my test a year later and failed by 2 questions. I'd prefer not to get into that. A huge waste of time and money, but I have no one to blame but myself. I've had a recent talk with my aunt, and it's really opened up my eyes. I get depressed i'm not married or making more money, or out on my own. But all of the choices I've been making have been setting me up for failure. I can't keep sitting around waiting for some gorgeous man to sweep me off my feet and ask me to come move into his house and be his wife. It's not realistic. I have such high expectations, that a man who fills them isn't ever going to want me. I've said this before, YEARS AGO in fact. That I wouldn't want me, so how would I expect my perfect man to? But as the beginning of this rant states, ACKNOWLEDGING IT ISN'T ENOUGH. I need to move forward in my life. I think the first step of that is school. I want to talk to someone about getting enrolled in school and getting my bachelors in business. I'd also like to take some generals as well. I do miss school a lot. And I am smart, and enjoyed learning just for the sake of learning. When I actually made an attempt at school. I need to stop spending so much money when I have nothing to show for it. When I do have bills i'll run myself into debt the first month. I spend so much money on nothing. I literally could have paid for a house at this point for the amount of money I've spent on clothes & eating out. So, i'm really going to try and improve myself. And get the fuck out of this rut.