Engagement.

I've thought about this way to much. Obviously, since I'm a girl. I told Nicholas I wouldn't live with him until we were engaged. And now it's just the waiting game until he asks me. The problem is, I want it to be perfect. This is a story I'll be telling over & over & over again. I want everything to be amazing! First thing is date. One thing I know, I definitely don't want it to be on Valentines Day. Even though me & Nick do have a cute kind of past story about Valentines Day. I think proposals on Valentines Day are way to obvious, and way to cliche. I think I would actually really like a Christmas Day proposal. I can't imagine what present Nick would get me. I have absolutely everything I could ever want or need. I know I'm like my mom and I'm probably one of the worst people to get presents for, because anytime I want or need anything... I get it for myself. But then just a random day would be cute too. I would want it planned and cute, but not so planned that I knew exactly what was going to happen. I don't want to know it's coming. I want to be blind sided. I want to be surprised. I think the biggest thing is what he says. It has to be so heart felt. It has to be amazing. It has to take my breath away. Nick is a song writer, a lyrical genius. I expect so much more from him then I would from someone else. One of the most amazing proposals, well two of the most amazing proposals are from Pride & Prejudice.

" I have struggled in vain and I can bear it no longer. These past months have been a torment. I came to Rosings with the single object of seeing you, I had to see you. I have fought against my judgement, my families expectations, the inferiority of birth, my rank and circumstances. And all these things I am willing to put aside and ask you to end my agony. I love you. Most ardently. Please do me the honor of accepting my hand."

" You must know, surely you must know it was all for you. You are too generous to trifle with me, you spoke with my aunt last night and it has taught me to hope... which I have scarcely allowed myself before. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not changed. But one word from you will silence me forever.... If however, your feelings have changed. I will have to tell you, you have bewitched body and soul. and i love, i love, i love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on."



Wow. So amazing. I got goosebumps. I want something so amazing and poetic like this. If only my life was a movie and I could always have perfect amazing piano back round music. Anyways, next important. Is the ring. The ring MUST be perfect. Of course I've been looking on pinterest. And found some great ones. I think my favorite one EVER is this.

http://www.pinterest.com/shannybabe7/engagement-rings/

Here's a link to all the rings I've pinned that I like :) I'm a fan of a small basic (or vintage detailing) band. and a big rock :) I really hope Nick stalks my blog, or asks my friend, or something before buying me a ring. I go with the Sex & The City phrase. Wrong ring, wrong guy.

Engagement, Living together, Marriage, Children.

That's my order.
I want to live with Nicholas. DESPERATELY. as you could guess from my last post. I NEED to get out of my house. For 298732987432897 reasons. I want to live with Nick more then I've ever wanted to live with anyone. I can't imagine ever getting sick of him. I want to be around him ALL THE TIME. But I do have a disclaimer. I want a ring on my finger first. I want to live with him before we're actually married. But I do what that commitment that we both now that it's what we ultimately want and are headed for. But I want it to happen NOW! The only somewhat time we've talked about it that he's given me a time-frame he told me A YEAR! A YEAR! That may sound reasonable under different circumstances. But I don't know if I could handle a year of doing what were doing. I need more time with him. I need to sleep with him every night. I need to wake up to him every morning. At the same time I don't want to rush any commitment that he's not ready for on his part. Which is exactly why i'm telling this to my blog and not him. But I'm so ready for it NOW! gahhh.

It's been awhile.

Hey bloggie.
It's been awhile since I've blogged. I've been really busy with Nicholas. And it's kind of awkward to try and blog about him while he's sitting right next to me! hahah. Me & Nick have been official since Oct 20th. Which isn't long at all. But i'm so desperately in love with him. I've literally NEVER felt like this before. I can go on with all these other cliche quotes that I always thought were bull shit. But they're really not. Sometimes you DO really JUST KNOW. I love him more then I have EVER loved ANYONE. In my entire life. He IS my other half. I depend on him. I feel incomplete without him. I hate being without him. For even a second. I hate when he's at work. I hate when i'm at work. I hate when I can't sleep with him. I just want to spend EVERY SECOND WITH HIM! I'm freaking OBSESSED! haha. In a good romantic cute way. haha. Really though. He just left, and I already miss him. I would give up EVERYTHING for him. I would do ANYTHING for him. And I know most of these things should be accustom in a relationship, and i've been in plenty. But I've never felt like I was completely content with them. I always thought in the back of my mind, what about my ex boyfriend, what about guys I haven't got the chance to meet, I always somewhat second guessed being with them. I somewhat saw myself marrying them, but just because that's what is expected when you're together for a certain amount of time. I find myself fantasizing about mine & nicks life together. And how we'd be living together, getting married, having children. I CRAVE that life with him. I'm actively trying to get there. I'm so in love with him I can't even try to attempt to describe it.

boyfran.

There's just one thing I wish I could change about me & Nick getting together. I was very specific on not saying 'love' that we 'loved' eachother. And of course, the time he decides to say it to me. I'm absolutely sloshed. I can recall the word, but nothing else. And him saying immediately "you don't need to say anything." It's just all so fuzzy. I wish it was more romantic. More memorable. More, better? But cutest thing. The next night, we start talking about other stuff- getting tired & ready to go to bed and he says "I meant it." And I say "meant what?" He replied "you'll figure it out." there was a brief pause, and then I said "I love you too." 

ADORBS right!? hahaahaha. It was super cute. So I guess that made up for the original ' i love you. '

my blog is compromised!

I showed Nick my blog! Ah! Probably not the best idea I've ever had. Letting him into my head entirely. Some things are better left unsaid. I'm sure everything will be fine since he's my boyfriend & all. Oh yes, we're official now. :) Nick isn't the super stalkie type. Nothing like me! hahaha. Horrible stalker. I'm a girl though, it comes with the territory right? Yeah. I'll just pretend it's okay. hahah. But now i'm terrified of posting things and having him stalk them! haha. I could always make my blog private. But maybe I eventually want him to read it? Maybe that's why I showed him in the first place? hm. Don't know. Don't care.

I'll continue blogging my thoughts without any thought to the possible consequences.

Codependent.

 Am I being selfish? Or do I just not want them to be right? I'm not wanting to loose him for a million of different reasons. Is it fair to put our love through this test? But will it honestly ever be love if I don't? Will I ever know that it's real? Or will I always hold this above my head. Above his head. What if I do the test? What if it's failed. Worst case scenario they're right. Worst case scenario, I wait for him and he moves on. And then I know that our love was never real. But is that fair? Will I have this deep relief of thank god, now I understand he's just a fucked up person and never loved me at all? Will I really be saving myself? Will I really be saving Emery? But what if he does wait? Does that put this grand fucking bow on everything and then I'll never have these concerned feelings again? Oh okay, he stayed. He waited for me for X amount of time. So he must truly love me. I can't say that I could honestly be convinced. And what if I can't wait? I've spent so much time by myself. It's nice to feel this way again. I don't want to loose him. I don't know that I could wait. Regardless if he'd be willing to. I want to be with someone. I want to be happy. Why should I sacrifice our time now to put us through this fucking test that I don't even know will honestly help anything in the long run? HE'S HERE NOW. He's came back now. How am I somewhat convinced and you're not at all? Can you not see what I see. Can you not feel his genuineness? Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm naive. Maybe you're right all along. Maybe everything is just codependency. But how will putting us both through this test honestly help anything? Do you think it will cure this? HE KNOWS. I'm not fucking oblivious to the past. I know him. I know him as much as you do. I don't care where I've been. I believe I know him. I believe our relationship isn't comparable to any of his others. And if I'm wrong. then I'm wrong. But it doesn't feel the same. He's acknowledging. He's trying. Has he done that with anyone else? Or was it just emptiness? It doesn't feel empty to me. I know there's truth behind it all. But it's not like I haven't figured that out on my own. But I know, I know that I'm worth it. He knows that I'm worth it. You should know that I'm worth it. I am the best he will get. And I'd like to feel that he's the best for me. He brings out this side in me he makes me better. He makes me happy. Happier than I can ever recall being. And for you to shut this down and tell me it's not real is not fair. Regardless the betrayal on his part. What about me? What about everything that I feel? I'm not the one with the problem? So the fact that I fell in love with him is suppose to be ignored? Too bad so sad. I shouldn't have put myself in that situation to begin with? Does that imply that his feelings aren't real, so mine can't be real either? Well it's not something that I can just move on from. Looking back on his Facebook has my mind racing. Even though it was years ago, Every status is about a girl. It will be a month referencing a girl, then 'in a relationship' then a week or two of sad posts, then all the sudden happy ones about a different girl. Then 'in a relationship' over & over & over & over. I know him, I know his faults. But I have to acknowledge that there has been improvement. HUGE. How can you not see that? Also. looking on his facebook, he hasn't deleted anything. Except for everything about me. EVERYTHING. The only thing that's still there is 'in a relationship' in March. And my memory isn't entirely the greatest at that point in my life. And I know that I did have his facebook password & such. So maybe I went through and deleted everything. Very well possible. But if it wasn't me. That has more to say about our relationship then anything. If he has left every single post, every single line, every single 'relationship' update. Why would he delete ours? Unless, even back then... our relationship was different. Well, obviously it was different. But in that sense that he really really loved me. He was willing to marry me. He would have married me. There is a difference in the fact that after one month, while I was pregnant with another persons kid, he would have married me. Maybe it was just the situation. Maybe it was just the fact that he was so codependent and he saw an opportunity to have a consistent family and that's why he did it. But why did he never marry Jackie then? He had everything. Two kids. A girl who ALL SHE WANTED was to marry him. Obsessively so. Why did he never commit to her? That would have been perfect to his codependency. Maybe it's because deep down he knew that he wasn't IN LOVE with her. That he wasn't ever going to be completely happy with her. That he would never be completely content. And I'm not saying entirely that it means he will be with me. But I feel like it is progress. He does want someone. But who doesn't? Everyone wants to be happy, everyone wants that person in their life to make them feel 'whole'.

me&nicholas.

Taurus and Gemini

This could not be more spot on.

When Taurus and Gemini come together in a love affair, they must both take the time to learnwhat the dynamics of the relationship are and how they can best get along. They both have much to offer one another and much to learn in this relationship, but it will take a bit of adjustment and effort on both sides. Gemini’s Symbol is the Twins; this Sign can often be of two minds about things. If possessive Taurus is able to let go and give one Twin the relationship security and intimacy it wants while allowing the other Twin its freedom, things will go well between these two. Taurus may want too much for Gemini’s taste early in the relationship, but Gemini can become dependable and steady — Taurus must simply be patient.

Taurus’s sedate, practical approach to life differs greatly from Gemini’s more light, intellectualapproach. This can be a difficult dynamic, since Gemini may see Taurus as a bit dull while Taurus may see Gemini as flighty and lacking in substance. They have much to teach one another, however: Taurus can help Gemini become more deeply involved in life; Gemini can help Taurus add variety, fun and excitement to their life.

Taurus is ruled by the Planet Venus (Love) and Gemini is ruled by the Planet Mercury (Communication). Since both of these Planets are close to the Sun, they’re always in the same neighborhood even though they’re very different. Venus is all about physical pleasures, romance and sensuality. Mercury has both masculine and feminine energy, and Gemini takes on whichever energy best serves at any given moment. Taurus is just looking for a dependable, sensual partner, so Gemini’s brilliance may be lost on the Bull. This may be trouble, since Geminis often feel like their quick wits are the most important thing about themselves. The good thing is, Gemini is smart enough to learn to be the romantic, sensual partner that Taurus craves.

Taurus is an Earth Sign and Gemini is an Air Sign. Gemini makes decisions based on intellect (and whim), while Taurus is more practical. Taurus asks, ‘How will this help me achieve my goals in life?’ while Gemini goes with the moment, never feeling too pressured to stick to a set plan. If Taurus gives in to those Bullish possessive feelings, or if Gemini is aloof and detached (as they often are), this relationship may suffer. Both Signs must strive to stay open and flexible in order to make this union work. Though Gemini seems unpredictable, Taurus can learn to understand that although Gemini may flirt, the relationship is still important to them. And though Taurus seems overly stubborn, Gemini must use their flexibility to bend to their partner’s will on occasion.

Taurus is a Fixed Sign and Gemini is a Mutable Sign. Taurus tends to focus on one thing, person, idea at a time, while Gemini moves from one thing (or person) to the next according to impulse. Taurus must provide Gemini with ample independence and breathing space — and try to learn Gemini’s lesson, that versatility is sometimes better than a Fixed determination to do things one’s own way.

What’s the best aspect of the Taurus-Gemini relationship? The security the two can give each other once Taurus allows Gemini to offer that security freely. As long as both partners communicate with each other, theirs will be a stable and happy relationship.

Day 07; Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.

GEMINI.

Anyone who knows me knows how I'm totally a Gemini. Everything is literally SPOT ON.
Gemini people are many sided, quick both in the mind and physically. They are brimming with energy and vitality, they are clever with words. They are intelligent and very adaptable to every situation and every person. Gemini are curious and always want to know what's going on in the world around them. They are not one to sit back and watch the world go by, they want to be involved. This can sometimes make Gemini nosy, they do not mind their own business! This is because they really enjoy communicating, more so then most other astrology signs, Gemini can  they are the ultimate social butterfly.talk and talk, but they have interesting things to say, their talk is not mindless babble. They have interesting opinions and thoughts on things and are not afraid to speak their mind. They are always in the know and are the one to see for the latest juicy gossip. Lacking perseverance, Gemini easily goes off topic to explore another thought or idea. Gemini are superficial, they will form opinions on matter without diving into them and exploring them fully. This can lead them into thinking they know everything, which they usually do but their mind is too busy to be concerned with fine details. Routine and boredom are Gemini's biggest fears. Gemini would rather be naive then know the depressing truth, they do not want anything putting a damper on their freedom or positive energy.

This is a year to focus on building your skills, building your talents, and building your

 connections. Let's just call this a year of construction. Although you may not see immediate rewards for all your hard work in the coming year, you will be building an impenetrable foundation for enormous success in the future so get to work!

Love:

You feel misunderstood a lot, Gemini. Especially when it comes to love. That's part of the curse of being such a fast-thinking, fast-talking person. Your brain is working faster than you can get the works out, and many people just aren't able to follow you. In the last year there have been several misunderstandings- either between you and a significant other, or you and a potential love interest. But you are not doomed to keep facing such frustration. The advice for your love life is quite simple. Slow down! Take the time and listen. Take the time to notice what is special about your lover. All you need to do is to be a bit more nurturing and thoughtful, and you'll be able to improve your bond dramatically.

Miley.

More amazing Miley Lyrics.
If you're looking for love
Know that love don't live here anymore
He left with my heart
They both walked through that door without me
If you're trying to find pity well you need to look somewhere else
'Cause I surely can't help you
I'm hurting myself
I've turned into someone else


I used to believe love conquered all
'Cause that's what I've seen in movies
Come to find out it's not like that at all
You see real life's much different

I don't wanna see you go
I only wanna see you smile
It hurts so much just thinking of
Felt like this for awhile
I can't stand to see us fail
We cried we lied
Cannot pretend to take us back
To what we had, to make us feel alive again
Hold me close, don't let me go, I hope
Tell me that now is not the end


If you're looking for love
Know that love don't live here anymore
He left with my heart
They both walked through that door without me
If you're trying to find pity well you need to look somewhere else
'Cause I surely can't help you
I'm hurting myself
I've turned into someone else

I've turned into someone else


I used to believe love conquered all
'Cause that's what I felt when you held me
I thought you'd catch me if I fall
And fill me up when I'm empty


I don't wanna see you go
I only wanna see you smile
It hurts so much just thinking of
Felt like this for awhile

I can't stand to see us fail
We cried we lied
Cannot pretend to take us back
To what we had, to make us feel alive again
Hold me close, don't let me go, I hope
Tell me that now is not the end


If you're looking for love
Know that love don't live here anymore
He left with my heart
They both walked through that door without me
If you're trying to find pity well you need to look somewhere else
'Cause I surely can't help you
I'm hurting myself
I've turned into someone else


Love is patient
Love is selfless
Love is hopeful
Love is kind
Love is jealous
Love is selfish
Love is helpless
Love is blind

I've turned into someone else

ay blog.

imma fill you in. Please excuse any mistakes, trying to blog drunk isn't exactly the easiest thing. But my 'crush' my ex 4 years ago? yes yes him. We started dating! And I just called it off today! baahaha. Me and my fucking issues. You know!? Long story short. I just need to get this off my chest. and not to him obviously. Because I don't want to give him that kind of power right now. But, sitting here drunk stalking his facebook I find myself missing his kids? His two fucking boys that i've never even met!? WTF is up with that? In all honesty I just thought about how big of a hassle they would be. My kid is hassle enough. fucking two more? yeah. fuck that. But now looking at pictures of them. I can't help but be sad. Sad I won't ever ever meet them. Sad I won't ever know them. Sad I won't ever love them. Sad I won't ever be their step mom. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah. Might of over stepped that last one. But how can I suddenly feel this love for his kids!? Did it take the thought of loosing them to feel like I care about them. And want them in my life? I just want to hold them. God. I'm a fucking creep. Thank god i'm the only one who reads this shit. & thank god for fucking spell check. it's saving my life right now. But yeah. I just needed to get that off my chest. I'm freaking out right now about not only loosing him, but loosing them.

Lyrics hitting home.

Chapter one we started happy 
The second that you said you loved me 
Started crushing in our heads 
Are we really in love? 
Trying to figure out chapter three 
But you're not giving me anything 
"This what we are" 
Then I gotta move on
You think this is everything 
But this is no book of love 

You might think I'm crazy 
That I'm lost and foolish, leaving you behind 
Maybe you're right 
You might think I'm crazy 
That I'm lost and foolish, leaving you behind 
Maybe you're right 
Maybe you're right 

Here comes the part of you and me 
Arguing about nothing 
You told me it's as good as it gets 
Yeah I'm real emotional 
Blame it on your mental jokes 
How much did you think that I could take? 
So much for taking this too far
You can blame me for who I am 
It's too late for us to try and be in love right now 

You might think I'm crazy 
That I'm lost and foolish, leaving you behind 
Maybe you're right 
You might think I'm crazy 
That I'm lost and foolish, leaving you behind 
Maybe you're right 
Maybe you're right 

Feel the pages now 
This chapters done 
Moving on up and forward onto all that we'll become 
If you ever get to the place where the sun is shining everyday
Then I'll be on your mind 

You might think I'm crazy 
That I'm lost and foolish, leaving you behind 
Maybe you're right 
You might think I'm crazy 
That I'm lost and foolish, leaving you behind 
Maybe you're right 
Maybe you're right 

Let me go to the top one more time

Day 06; Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.

I'm not doing a great job at doing one of these everyday, so I'll just catch up when I have time. Or just do them whenever I actually check my blog. Or maybe I'll eventually just give up.

& as far as 'interesting facts'? It's hard to determine what would is classified as 'interesting' But I'll do my best.

1. I'm a single mother.
2. I'm blunt.
3. I'm double jointed.
4. I can touch my toes to my head. (while laying on my stomach)
5. I'm a big movie buff.

This is hard. I'll come back to it. hha.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
15.
16.
17.
18.
19.
20.
21.
22.
23.
24.
25.
26.
27.
28.
30.

Day 05; A time you thought about ending your own life.

Wow, this is a super touchy subject. But luckily for me no one reads my blog. Hahaha. I think the only times I've really honestly some-what considered it was back when I was probably 13/14? Just those big puberty years when you're trying to find yourself. And every little thing feels like it's the end of the world. I did 'cut myself' a few times, and as cliche as this is going to sound... literally everyone was doing it. I knew so many people at school that were. And none of us had hard lives. Honestly it was all just attention. I remember getting into this huge fight with this guy I was desperately in love with at the time. (who by chance, was bi-polar) which made nothing any easier. And I honestly don't even remember what the fight was about. But I remember cutting my arm with a dull dull steak knife. Thinking that I should just drown myself because that would be something quick, and a way of dying I've always heard was really peaceful. But then I remember thinking about my family, and everyone who cared about me, and all the things I wanted to accomplish in my life. And continued to cut my arm until I saw blood, and stopped. And honestly I think I even took a picture and sent it to the guy. Like, It literally makes me sick to even talk about. All this stupid shit I did just for attention. And I don't think of 'cutting' lightly. I'm glad that I had the family and friends I did to never make me seriously consider doing anything to really hurt myself. I absolutely hate suicide. I hate that we live in a world so cruel that people even for a split second think there life isn't worth living. I wish I could save everyone.

Day 04; Your views on religion.

A little late, I started this last night but I've been sick and took a little NyQuil and got way to tired. haha.

But along with my last post, I agree that everyone has freedom of religion. But my personal beliefs I would be classified as an 'agnostic'. The definition is : Agnosticism is the view that the truth values of certain claims—especially claims about the existence or non-existence of any deity, as well as other religious and metaphysical claims—are (currently) unknown. Agnosticism can be defined in various ways, and is sometimes used to indicate doubt or a skeptical approach to questions. Technically, agnosticism is a stance about the difference between belief and knowledge, rather than about any specific claim or belief. In the popular sense, an agnostic is someone who neither believes nor disbelieves in the existence of a deity or deities, whereas a theist and an atheist believe and disbelieve, respectively.Philosopher William L. Rowe states that in the strict sense, however, agnosticism is the view that humanity does not currently possess the requisite knowledge and/or reason to provide sufficient rational grounds to justify the belief that deities either do or do not exist.

I suppose that basically sums it up. I don't choose to define my life by religion. I don't know what comes after death, but I deal with it, or not deal with it. When the time comes. I'd rather just live for now.

Day 03; Your views on drugs and alcohol.

My outlook on life has always been everyone should have the freedom to make their own choices. I personally don't like drugs. I have tried a few little things. Just a few pills (that are all legal) and marijuana. All when I was much younger. But I've never touched & never will touch any 'hard stuff' like Ecstasy, Cocaine, Meth, Or Heroin. I've just seen how it's ruined so many people's lives and never even wanted to try the stuff. Alcohol on the other hand, wow.I am a HUGE fan of liquor. Probably way to big of a fan. Luckily I don't have an addictive personality, & I know I could stop if I wanted to. And I have in the past. But I am very much in a drinking every weekend routine. I drink to have a good time, to be happy, to party with my friends, to have confidence. Or I drink when I'm upset, it does help me feel better. Even for the time being. It also helps me open up, It helps me bring down my walls I've spent so much time building up. And I do like that, for short periods of time.

Day Two; Where you'd like to be in 10 years.

Hm, In 10 years I'll be 32. Where I'd like to be by the time I'm 32. Is graduated from college, with a business degree? Married, to a beautiful, amazing, successful man. And I'd be living in our amazing house. Could care less where it is. As long as it's nice, and in a good safe neighborhood. And I'd like to have had a kid or two, or three by that time. And I'd love to be in a good career. Or maybe my husband would make so much money I wouldn't have to work, and I'd be a stay at home mom. Well, depending on how many kids we have. In all honesty being a stay at home mom kind of freaks me out. I like my break. hahah. But that might just be because I'm a single mom? Regardless, I'd like to be established. 

Day One.

Day 01; Your current relationship status, how’s that going for you?

My name is Shantel, and I've been single for a year and 10 months. I convinced myself it was what I wanted. I use to get attached to quickly, rush things, always focus on being with someone. I'd end up spending so much time in relationships that never went anywhere. Because I never should have gotten in them to begin with. Or stayed in them after they hurt me. After my last relationship that was about a year and a half, I decided I wouldn't rush or stay in a relationship like that again. I think my main eye opener was my daughter. I had a man in her life everyday for a year, someone consistent, someone she depended on. And he was taken away in an instant. And she struggled with it for months. That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do to her. Luckily she was young enough, and after a couple months she couldn't recognize his pictures, or even recall his name. But I was terrified of hurting her again, hurting me again. So I decided to be single for awhile, figure out me. And I can't regret it. I do feel like that was the right choice at the time. But I just got so distant from relationships, I still built walls and don't let people in. It's so hard for me to even think about being a relationship now. Even though deep down, I know that I want one. My current crush, if you've read my past blogs you'll know is an ex from 4 years ago. And he's really opened my eyes about how much I've changed. And even if that's where our relationship ends, i'll be happy with it. I'm glad someone has shown me that I'm not this person, I'm not this person who can't open up and share her emotions. I'm not someone who shuts down, and doesn't let anyone in. I don't want to be vulnerable, but I also don't want to be alone.

I'm going to try.

Since I've been blogging like crazy lately, I'm going to try one of these things?

Day 01; Your current relationship status, how’s that going for you?
Day 02; Where you’d like to be in 10 years.
Day 03; Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 04; Your views on religion.
Day 05; A time you thought about ending your own life.
Day 06; Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.
Day 07; Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.
Day 08; A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.
Day 09; Nine things you would like to say to nine people
Day 10; Discuss your first love and first kiss.
Day 11; Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.
Day 12; Midnight snack of choice
Day 13; Somewhere you’d like to move or visit.
Day 14; Your earliest memory. 
Day 15; Something hard you have been through this year
Day 16; A letter to someone from your past.
Day 17; Seven clothing items you would like to have.
Day 18; Something or a few things that annoy you.
Day 19; One way to win your heart.
Day 20; How important you think education is.
Day 21; One of your favorite shows.
Day 22; How have you changed in the past 2 years?
Day 23; Give pictures of 5 guys who are famous who you find attractive.
Day 24; Your favorite movie and what it’s about.
Day 25; Someone who fascinates you and why.
Day 26; What kind of person attracts you?
Day 27; A confession about your life.
Day 28; Something that you miss.
Day 29; Goals for the next 30 days.
Day 30; Your favorite moment of the past month.

One day at a time.

I just need to focus on one day at time. Everyday things will get a little easier. Everyday I need to focus on not texting him, not stalking him, not calling him. Everyday it will get a little easier to get over him. For me to realize that he doesn't feel this way for me. I need to focus on me. If I spend half as much time trying to improve myself and my life, as the time I spent stalking or thinking about boys. I would definitely be where I wanted to be in life. I hate being emotional. I almost envy those psychotic people that can't feel emotions and think logically of everything. I bet they get so much farther in life.

Wasting time.

I find myself being very interested and attracted to my ex fiance. Who I was engaged to when my daughter was mere days old. And I called it off when she was mere months old. Because my intentions were faulty. I didn't love him. Very much like. But definitely not love. I purely wanted a father for my child. Whoever that may be. Luckily I realized before making a huge mistake. But now, over four years later... We have reconnected. And I can't help but having these feelings. Is it because of our past? Am I curious? Or could I have been wrong the whole time? I can't be having these feelings now. He has two kids now. My daughter has lived 4 years without a father. Can I really consider being with him again? I could have got things right all in the beginning. But I was trying to save me and my daughter from a world of hurt in the future. But was I wrong? I hate that I could have made the wrong choice. That my life could still end up where it was headed four years ago. But this time three times more complicated. Maybe i'm just over thinking. We're just talking. I haven't even seen him. But what if I see him and that makes everything more intense? I hate being a girl. I hate over thinking. I hate that I created this blog purely because my mind wouldn't stop racing and I needed to stop and write it out just to make sense of my thoughts. I'm not sure I feel any better.

I'm going insane.

Why do I ONLY WANT what I can't have? I have absolutely NO INTEREST in it at all. But the second I realize it doesn't want me. Or that I can't have it. I INSTANTLY want it. More then anything on earth. This is something that's embedded in us from birth. Children always have toys they could care less about, but then when someone else wants it. They want it. They don't want to share. It's theirs. I guess this isn't exactly the same. Obviously it's about a boy. I don't want him because someone else wants him. I want him because he doesn't want me. And the more he rejects me, the more I want him. I'm literally going insane. He's all that I think about. I use to think I missed this feeling. But now that I have it. I liked being a cynical ass hole who only used men for their bodies.

I hate being a girl.

I don't know if it's because I'm PMS-ing or I'm just tired of being alone. But I've been acting more like a 'girl' this last week than I've ever done in my entire life. Over thinking everything. Letting my emotions get the best of me. Stressing over everything he does or doesn't do. I've spent YEARS trying to break myself of this behavior. And I have to say I've gotten pretty good at it. Probably to good. Too good at putting up walls, keeping a safe distance, never having feelings. Thinking to logically, never even letting myself feel those emotions that use to once take over my life. But then it's like a light switch. And I feel just like I use to feel. And I'm not sure that I can say I like this better. I like to feel things. I like to have emotions, I like letting people in. But I need a good balance. Why can't I find that balance?

Call your girlfriend.

Call your girlfriend. It's time you had the talk. Give your reasons, say it's not her fault.
But you just met somebody new. Tell her not to get obsessed, second-guessing everything you've said and done. And then when she gets upset, tell her how you never meant to hurt no one. Then you tell her that the only way her heart will mend is when she learns to love again.

Don't you tell her how I give you something that you never even knew you missed.
Don't you even try and explain how it's so different when we kiss.



If only things had went how I planned.

In A Rut.

My life is stuck, never moving forward. I really honestly need to make a change. Acknowledging it isn't enough. I'll go through these times in my life where I get really depressed where i'm at in life and acknowledge I need to make a change, but then I keep giving myself excuses. I'm only 22, I had a child at 17, the economy is really bad right now, I need to spend money on luxuries while I have the chance. But in all honesty, my life isn't waiting. This is my life now. I've know spent the last 4 years of my life with absolutely no change. Still working at Old Navy, making only $3 more an hour then I did when I was 16. Still living at home. Haven't went back to school, well.. that's not entirely true. I did take a Pharmacy Technician course, but of course my procrastination killed that when I took my test a year later and failed by 2 questions. I'd prefer not to get into that. A huge waste of time and money, but I have no one to blame but myself. I've had a recent talk with my aunt, and it's really opened up my eyes. I get depressed i'm not married or making more money, or out on my own. But all of the choices I've been making have been setting me up for failure. I can't keep sitting around waiting for some gorgeous man to sweep me off my feet and ask me to come move into his house and be his wife. It's not realistic. I have such high expectations, that a man who fills them isn't ever going to want me. I've said this before, YEARS AGO in fact. That I wouldn't want me, so how would I expect my perfect man to? But as the beginning of this rant states, ACKNOWLEDGING IT ISN'T ENOUGH. I need to move forward in my life. I think the first step of that is school. I want to talk to someone about getting enrolled in school and getting my bachelors in business. I'd also like to take some generals as well. I do miss school a lot. And I am smart, and enjoyed learning just for the sake of learning. When I actually made an attempt at school. I need to stop spending so much money when I have nothing to show for it. When I do have bills i'll run myself into debt the first month. I spend so much money on nothing. I literally could have paid for a house at this point for the amount of money I've spent on clothes & eating out. So, i'm really going to try and improve myself. And get the fuck out of this rut.