boyfran.

There's just one thing I wish I could change about me & Nick getting together. I was very specific on not saying 'love' that we 'loved' eachother. And of course, the time he decides to say it to me. I'm absolutely sloshed. I can recall the word, but nothing else. And him saying immediately "you don't need to say anything." It's just all so fuzzy. I wish it was more romantic. More memorable. More, better? But cutest thing. The next night, we start talking about other stuff- getting tired & ready to go to bed and he says "I meant it." And I say "meant what?" He replied "you'll figure it out." there was a brief pause, and then I said "I love you too." 

ADORBS right!? hahaahaha. It was super cute. So I guess that made up for the original ' i love you. '

my blog is compromised!

I showed Nick my blog! Ah! Probably not the best idea I've ever had. Letting him into my head entirely. Some things are better left unsaid. I'm sure everything will be fine since he's my boyfriend & all. Oh yes, we're official now. :) Nick isn't the super stalkie type. Nothing like me! hahaha. Horrible stalker. I'm a girl though, it comes with the territory right? Yeah. I'll just pretend it's okay. hahah. But now i'm terrified of posting things and having him stalk them! haha. I could always make my blog private. But maybe I eventually want him to read it? Maybe that's why I showed him in the first place? hm. Don't know. Don't care.

I'll continue blogging my thoughts without any thought to the possible consequences.

Codependent.

 Am I being selfish? Or do I just not want them to be right? I'm not wanting to loose him for a million of different reasons. Is it fair to put our love through this test? But will it honestly ever be love if I don't? Will I ever know that it's real? Or will I always hold this above my head. Above his head. What if I do the test? What if it's failed. Worst case scenario they're right. Worst case scenario, I wait for him and he moves on. And then I know that our love was never real. But is that fair? Will I have this deep relief of thank god, now I understand he's just a fucked up person and never loved me at all? Will I really be saving myself? Will I really be saving Emery? But what if he does wait? Does that put this grand fucking bow on everything and then I'll never have these concerned feelings again? Oh okay, he stayed. He waited for me for X amount of time. So he must truly love me. I can't say that I could honestly be convinced. And what if I can't wait? I've spent so much time by myself. It's nice to feel this way again. I don't want to loose him. I don't know that I could wait. Regardless if he'd be willing to. I want to be with someone. I want to be happy. Why should I sacrifice our time now to put us through this fucking test that I don't even know will honestly help anything in the long run? HE'S HERE NOW. He's came back now. How am I somewhat convinced and you're not at all? Can you not see what I see. Can you not feel his genuineness? Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm naive. Maybe you're right all along. Maybe everything is just codependency. But how will putting us both through this test honestly help anything? Do you think it will cure this? HE KNOWS. I'm not fucking oblivious to the past. I know him. I know him as much as you do. I don't care where I've been. I believe I know him. I believe our relationship isn't comparable to any of his others. And if I'm wrong. then I'm wrong. But it doesn't feel the same. He's acknowledging. He's trying. Has he done that with anyone else? Or was it just emptiness? It doesn't feel empty to me. I know there's truth behind it all. But it's not like I haven't figured that out on my own. But I know, I know that I'm worth it. He knows that I'm worth it. You should know that I'm worth it. I am the best he will get. And I'd like to feel that he's the best for me. He brings out this side in me he makes me better. He makes me happy. Happier than I can ever recall being. And for you to shut this down and tell me it's not real is not fair. Regardless the betrayal on his part. What about me? What about everything that I feel? I'm not the one with the problem? So the fact that I fell in love with him is suppose to be ignored? Too bad so sad. I shouldn't have put myself in that situation to begin with? Does that imply that his feelings aren't real, so mine can't be real either? Well it's not something that I can just move on from. Looking back on his Facebook has my mind racing. Even though it was years ago, Every status is about a girl. It will be a month referencing a girl, then 'in a relationship' then a week or two of sad posts, then all the sudden happy ones about a different girl. Then 'in a relationship' over & over & over & over. I know him, I know his faults. But I have to acknowledge that there has been improvement. HUGE. How can you not see that? Also. looking on his facebook, he hasn't deleted anything. Except for everything about me. EVERYTHING. The only thing that's still there is 'in a relationship' in March. And my memory isn't entirely the greatest at that point in my life. And I know that I did have his facebook password & such. So maybe I went through and deleted everything. Very well possible. But if it wasn't me. That has more to say about our relationship then anything. If he has left every single post, every single line, every single 'relationship' update. Why would he delete ours? Unless, even back then... our relationship was different. Well, obviously it was different. But in that sense that he really really loved me. He was willing to marry me. He would have married me. There is a difference in the fact that after one month, while I was pregnant with another persons kid, he would have married me. Maybe it was just the situation. Maybe it was just the fact that he was so codependent and he saw an opportunity to have a consistent family and that's why he did it. But why did he never marry Jackie then? He had everything. Two kids. A girl who ALL SHE WANTED was to marry him. Obsessively so. Why did he never commit to her? That would have been perfect to his codependency. Maybe it's because deep down he knew that he wasn't IN LOVE with her. That he wasn't ever going to be completely happy with her. That he would never be completely content. And I'm not saying entirely that it means he will be with me. But I feel like it is progress. He does want someone. But who doesn't? Everyone wants to be happy, everyone wants that person in their life to make them feel 'whole'.

me&nicholas.

Taurus and Gemini

This could not be more spot on.

When Taurus and Gemini come together in a love affair, they must both take the time to learnwhat the dynamics of the relationship are and how they can best get along. They both have much to offer one another and much to learn in this relationship, but it will take a bit of adjustment and effort on both sides. Gemini’s Symbol is the Twins; this Sign can often be of two minds about things. If possessive Taurus is able to let go and give one Twin the relationship security and intimacy it wants while allowing the other Twin its freedom, things will go well between these two. Taurus may want too much for Gemini’s taste early in the relationship, but Gemini can become dependable and steady — Taurus must simply be patient.

Taurus’s sedate, practical approach to life differs greatly from Gemini’s more light, intellectualapproach. This can be a difficult dynamic, since Gemini may see Taurus as a bit dull while Taurus may see Gemini as flighty and lacking in substance. They have much to teach one another, however: Taurus can help Gemini become more deeply involved in life; Gemini can help Taurus add variety, fun and excitement to their life.

Taurus is ruled by the Planet Venus (Love) and Gemini is ruled by the Planet Mercury (Communication). Since both of these Planets are close to the Sun, they’re always in the same neighborhood even though they’re very different. Venus is all about physical pleasures, romance and sensuality. Mercury has both masculine and feminine energy, and Gemini takes on whichever energy best serves at any given moment. Taurus is just looking for a dependable, sensual partner, so Gemini’s brilliance may be lost on the Bull. This may be trouble, since Geminis often feel like their quick wits are the most important thing about themselves. The good thing is, Gemini is smart enough to learn to be the romantic, sensual partner that Taurus craves.

Taurus is an Earth Sign and Gemini is an Air Sign. Gemini makes decisions based on intellect (and whim), while Taurus is more practical. Taurus asks, ‘How will this help me achieve my goals in life?’ while Gemini goes with the moment, never feeling too pressured to stick to a set plan. If Taurus gives in to those Bullish possessive feelings, or if Gemini is aloof and detached (as they often are), this relationship may suffer. Both Signs must strive to stay open and flexible in order to make this union work. Though Gemini seems unpredictable, Taurus can learn to understand that although Gemini may flirt, the relationship is still important to them. And though Taurus seems overly stubborn, Gemini must use their flexibility to bend to their partner’s will on occasion.

Taurus is a Fixed Sign and Gemini is a Mutable Sign. Taurus tends to focus on one thing, person, idea at a time, while Gemini moves from one thing (or person) to the next according to impulse. Taurus must provide Gemini with ample independence and breathing space — and try to learn Gemini’s lesson, that versatility is sometimes better than a Fixed determination to do things one’s own way.

What’s the best aspect of the Taurus-Gemini relationship? The security the two can give each other once Taurus allows Gemini to offer that security freely. As long as both partners communicate with each other, theirs will be a stable and happy relationship.

Day 07; Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.

GEMINI.

Anyone who knows me knows how I'm totally a Gemini. Everything is literally SPOT ON.
Gemini people are many sided, quick both in the mind and physically. They are brimming with energy and vitality, they are clever with words. They are intelligent and very adaptable to every situation and every person. Gemini are curious and always want to know what's going on in the world around them. They are not one to sit back and watch the world go by, they want to be involved. This can sometimes make Gemini nosy, they do not mind their own business! This is because they really enjoy communicating, more so then most other astrology signs, Gemini can  they are the ultimate social butterfly.talk and talk, but they have interesting things to say, their talk is not mindless babble. They have interesting opinions and thoughts on things and are not afraid to speak their mind. They are always in the know and are the one to see for the latest juicy gossip. Lacking perseverance, Gemini easily goes off topic to explore another thought or idea. Gemini are superficial, they will form opinions on matter without diving into them and exploring them fully. This can lead them into thinking they know everything, which they usually do but their mind is too busy to be concerned with fine details. Routine and boredom are Gemini's biggest fears. Gemini would rather be naive then know the depressing truth, they do not want anything putting a damper on their freedom or positive energy.

This is a year to focus on building your skills, building your talents, and building your

 connections. Let's just call this a year of construction. Although you may not see immediate rewards for all your hard work in the coming year, you will be building an impenetrable foundation for enormous success in the future so get to work!

Love:

You feel misunderstood a lot, Gemini. Especially when it comes to love. That's part of the curse of being such a fast-thinking, fast-talking person. Your brain is working faster than you can get the works out, and many people just aren't able to follow you. In the last year there have been several misunderstandings- either between you and a significant other, or you and a potential love interest. But you are not doomed to keep facing such frustration. The advice for your love life is quite simple. Slow down! Take the time and listen. Take the time to notice what is special about your lover. All you need to do is to be a bit more nurturing and thoughtful, and you'll be able to improve your bond dramatically.

Miley.

More amazing Miley Lyrics.
If you're looking for love
Know that love don't live here anymore
He left with my heart
They both walked through that door without me
If you're trying to find pity well you need to look somewhere else
'Cause I surely can't help you
I'm hurting myself
I've turned into someone else


I used to believe love conquered all
'Cause that's what I've seen in movies
Come to find out it's not like that at all
You see real life's much different

I don't wanna see you go
I only wanna see you smile
It hurts so much just thinking of
Felt like this for awhile
I can't stand to see us fail
We cried we lied
Cannot pretend to take us back
To what we had, to make us feel alive again
Hold me close, don't let me go, I hope
Tell me that now is not the end


If you're looking for love
Know that love don't live here anymore
He left with my heart
They both walked through that door without me
If you're trying to find pity well you need to look somewhere else
'Cause I surely can't help you
I'm hurting myself
I've turned into someone else

I've turned into someone else


I used to believe love conquered all
'Cause that's what I felt when you held me
I thought you'd catch me if I fall
And fill me up when I'm empty


I don't wanna see you go
I only wanna see you smile
It hurts so much just thinking of
Felt like this for awhile

I can't stand to see us fail
We cried we lied
Cannot pretend to take us back
To what we had, to make us feel alive again
Hold me close, don't let me go, I hope
Tell me that now is not the end


If you're looking for love
Know that love don't live here anymore
He left with my heart
They both walked through that door without me
If you're trying to find pity well you need to look somewhere else
'Cause I surely can't help you
I'm hurting myself
I've turned into someone else


Love is patient
Love is selfless
Love is hopeful
Love is kind
Love is jealous
Love is selfish
Love is helpless
Love is blind

I've turned into someone else

ay blog.

imma fill you in. Please excuse any mistakes, trying to blog drunk isn't exactly the easiest thing. But my 'crush' my ex 4 years ago? yes yes him. We started dating! And I just called it off today! baahaha. Me and my fucking issues. You know!? Long story short. I just need to get this off my chest. and not to him obviously. Because I don't want to give him that kind of power right now. But, sitting here drunk stalking his facebook I find myself missing his kids? His two fucking boys that i've never even met!? WTF is up with that? In all honesty I just thought about how big of a hassle they would be. My kid is hassle enough. fucking two more? yeah. fuck that. But now looking at pictures of them. I can't help but be sad. Sad I won't ever ever meet them. Sad I won't ever know them. Sad I won't ever love them. Sad I won't ever be their step mom. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah. Might of over stepped that last one. But how can I suddenly feel this love for his kids!? Did it take the thought of loosing them to feel like I care about them. And want them in my life? I just want to hold them. God. I'm a fucking creep. Thank god i'm the only one who reads this shit. & thank god for fucking spell check. it's saving my life right now. But yeah. I just needed to get that off my chest. I'm freaking out right now about not only loosing him, but loosing them.

Lyrics hitting home.

Chapter one we started happy 
The second that you said you loved me 
Started crushing in our heads 
Are we really in love? 
Trying to figure out chapter three 
But you're not giving me anything 
"This what we are" 
Then I gotta move on
You think this is everything 
But this is no book of love 

You might think I'm crazy 
That I'm lost and foolish, leaving you behind 
Maybe you're right 
You might think I'm crazy 
That I'm lost and foolish, leaving you behind 
Maybe you're right 
Maybe you're right 

Here comes the part of you and me 
Arguing about nothing 
You told me it's as good as it gets 
Yeah I'm real emotional 
Blame it on your mental jokes 
How much did you think that I could take? 
So much for taking this too far
You can blame me for who I am 
It's too late for us to try and be in love right now 

You might think I'm crazy 
That I'm lost and foolish, leaving you behind 
Maybe you're right 
You might think I'm crazy 
That I'm lost and foolish, leaving you behind 
Maybe you're right 
Maybe you're right 

Feel the pages now 
This chapters done 
Moving on up and forward onto all that we'll become 
If you ever get to the place where the sun is shining everyday
Then I'll be on your mind 

You might think I'm crazy 
That I'm lost and foolish, leaving you behind 
Maybe you're right 
You might think I'm crazy 
That I'm lost and foolish, leaving you behind 
Maybe you're right 
Maybe you're right 

Let me go to the top one more time