Codependent.

 Am I being selfish? Or do I just not want them to be right? I'm not wanting to loose him for a million of different reasons. Is it fair to put our love through this test? But will it honestly ever be love if I don't? Will I ever know that it's real? Or will I always hold this above my head. Above his head. What if I do the test? What if it's failed. Worst case scenario they're right. Worst case scenario, I wait for him and he moves on. And then I know that our love was never real. But is that fair? Will I have this deep relief of thank god, now I understand he's just a fucked up person and never loved me at all? Will I really be saving myself? Will I really be saving Emery? But what if he does wait? Does that put this grand fucking bow on everything and then I'll never have these concerned feelings again? Oh okay, he stayed. He waited for me for X amount of time. So he must truly love me. I can't say that I could honestly be convinced. And what if I can't wait? I've spent so much time by myself. It's nice to feel this way again. I don't want to loose him. I don't know that I could wait. Regardless if he'd be willing to. I want to be with someone. I want to be happy. Why should I sacrifice our time now to put us through this fucking test that I don't even know will honestly help anything in the long run? HE'S HERE NOW. He's came back now. How am I somewhat convinced and you're not at all? Can you not see what I see. Can you not feel his genuineness? Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm naive. Maybe you're right all along. Maybe everything is just codependency. But how will putting us both through this test honestly help anything? Do you think it will cure this? HE KNOWS. I'm not fucking oblivious to the past. I know him. I know him as much as you do. I don't care where I've been. I believe I know him. I believe our relationship isn't comparable to any of his others. And if I'm wrong. then I'm wrong. But it doesn't feel the same. He's acknowledging. He's trying. Has he done that with anyone else? Or was it just emptiness? It doesn't feel empty to me. I know there's truth behind it all. But it's not like I haven't figured that out on my own. But I know, I know that I'm worth it. He knows that I'm worth it. You should know that I'm worth it. I am the best he will get. And I'd like to feel that he's the best for me. He brings out this side in me he makes me better. He makes me happy. Happier than I can ever recall being. And for you to shut this down and tell me it's not real is not fair. Regardless the betrayal on his part. What about me? What about everything that I feel? I'm not the one with the problem? So the fact that I fell in love with him is suppose to be ignored? Too bad so sad. I shouldn't have put myself in that situation to begin with? Does that imply that his feelings aren't real, so mine can't be real either? Well it's not something that I can just move on from. Looking back on his Facebook has my mind racing. Even though it was years ago, Every status is about a girl. It will be a month referencing a girl, then 'in a relationship' then a week or two of sad posts, then all the sudden happy ones about a different girl. Then 'in a relationship' over & over & over & over. I know him, I know his faults. But I have to acknowledge that there has been improvement. HUGE. How can you not see that? Also. looking on his facebook, he hasn't deleted anything. Except for everything about me. EVERYTHING. The only thing that's still there is 'in a relationship' in March. And my memory isn't entirely the greatest at that point in my life. And I know that I did have his facebook password & such. So maybe I went through and deleted everything. Very well possible. But if it wasn't me. That has more to say about our relationship then anything. If he has left every single post, every single line, every single 'relationship' update. Why would he delete ours? Unless, even back then... our relationship was different. Well, obviously it was different. But in that sense that he really really loved me. He was willing to marry me. He would have married me. There is a difference in the fact that after one month, while I was pregnant with another persons kid, he would have married me. Maybe it was just the situation. Maybe it was just the fact that he was so codependent and he saw an opportunity to have a consistent family and that's why he did it. But why did he never marry Jackie then? He had everything. Two kids. A girl who ALL SHE WANTED was to marry him. Obsessively so. Why did he never commit to her? That would have been perfect to his codependency. Maybe it's because deep down he knew that he wasn't IN LOVE with her. That he wasn't ever going to be completely happy with her. That he would never be completely content. And I'm not saying entirely that it means he will be with me. But I feel like it is progress. He does want someone. But who doesn't? Everyone wants to be happy, everyone wants that person in their life to make them feel 'whole'.