Day 05; A time you thought about ending your own life.

Wow, this is a super touchy subject. But luckily for me no one reads my blog. Hahaha. I think the only times I've really honestly some-what considered it was back when I was probably 13/14? Just those big puberty years when you're trying to find yourself. And every little thing feels like it's the end of the world. I did 'cut myself' a few times, and as cliche as this is going to sound... literally everyone was doing it. I knew so many people at school that were. And none of us had hard lives. Honestly it was all just attention. I remember getting into this huge fight with this guy I was desperately in love with at the time. (who by chance, was bi-polar) which made nothing any easier. And I honestly don't even remember what the fight was about. But I remember cutting my arm with a dull dull steak knife. Thinking that I should just drown myself because that would be something quick, and a way of dying I've always heard was really peaceful. But then I remember thinking about my family, and everyone who cared about me, and all the things I wanted to accomplish in my life. And continued to cut my arm until I saw blood, and stopped. And honestly I think I even took a picture and sent it to the guy. Like, It literally makes me sick to even talk about. All this stupid shit I did just for attention. And I don't think of 'cutting' lightly. I'm glad that I had the family and friends I did to never make me seriously consider doing anything to really hurt myself. I absolutely hate suicide. I hate that we live in a world so cruel that people even for a split second think there life isn't worth living. I wish I could save everyone.

Day 04; Your views on religion.

A little late, I started this last night but I've been sick and took a little NyQuil and got way to tired. haha.

But along with my last post, I agree that everyone has freedom of religion. But my personal beliefs I would be classified as an 'agnostic'. The definition is : Agnosticism is the view that the truth values of certain claims—especially claims about the existence or non-existence of any deity, as well as other religious and metaphysical claims—are (currently) unknown. Agnosticism can be defined in various ways, and is sometimes used to indicate doubt or a skeptical approach to questions. Technically, agnosticism is a stance about the difference between belief and knowledge, rather than about any specific claim or belief. In the popular sense, an agnostic is someone who neither believes nor disbelieves in the existence of a deity or deities, whereas a theist and an atheist believe and disbelieve, respectively.Philosopher William L. Rowe states that in the strict sense, however, agnosticism is the view that humanity does not currently possess the requisite knowledge and/or reason to provide sufficient rational grounds to justify the belief that deities either do or do not exist.

I suppose that basically sums it up. I don't choose to define my life by religion. I don't know what comes after death, but I deal with it, or not deal with it. When the time comes. I'd rather just live for now.

Day 03; Your views on drugs and alcohol.

My outlook on life has always been everyone should have the freedom to make their own choices. I personally don't like drugs. I have tried a few little things. Just a few pills (that are all legal) and marijuana. All when I was much younger. But I've never touched & never will touch any 'hard stuff' like Ecstasy, Cocaine, Meth, Or Heroin. I've just seen how it's ruined so many people's lives and never even wanted to try the stuff. Alcohol on the other hand, wow.I am a HUGE fan of liquor. Probably way to big of a fan. Luckily I don't have an addictive personality, & I know I could stop if I wanted to. And I have in the past. But I am very much in a drinking every weekend routine. I drink to have a good time, to be happy, to party with my friends, to have confidence. Or I drink when I'm upset, it does help me feel better. Even for the time being. It also helps me open up, It helps me bring down my walls I've spent so much time building up. And I do like that, for short periods of time.

Day Two; Where you'd like to be in 10 years.

Hm, In 10 years I'll be 32. Where I'd like to be by the time I'm 32. Is graduated from college, with a business degree? Married, to a beautiful, amazing, successful man. And I'd be living in our amazing house. Could care less where it is. As long as it's nice, and in a good safe neighborhood. And I'd like to have had a kid or two, or three by that time. And I'd love to be in a good career. Or maybe my husband would make so much money I wouldn't have to work, and I'd be a stay at home mom. Well, depending on how many kids we have. In all honesty being a stay at home mom kind of freaks me out. I like my break. hahah. But that might just be because I'm a single mom? Regardless, I'd like to be established. 

Day One.

Day 01; Your current relationship status, how’s that going for you?

My name is Shantel, and I've been single for a year and 10 months. I convinced myself it was what I wanted. I use to get attached to quickly, rush things, always focus on being with someone. I'd end up spending so much time in relationships that never went anywhere. Because I never should have gotten in them to begin with. Or stayed in them after they hurt me. After my last relationship that was about a year and a half, I decided I wouldn't rush or stay in a relationship like that again. I think my main eye opener was my daughter. I had a man in her life everyday for a year, someone consistent, someone she depended on. And he was taken away in an instant. And she struggled with it for months. That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do to her. Luckily she was young enough, and after a couple months she couldn't recognize his pictures, or even recall his name. But I was terrified of hurting her again, hurting me again. So I decided to be single for awhile, figure out me. And I can't regret it. I do feel like that was the right choice at the time. But I just got so distant from relationships, I still built walls and don't let people in. It's so hard for me to even think about being a relationship now. Even though deep down, I know that I want one. My current crush, if you've read my past blogs you'll know is an ex from 4 years ago. And he's really opened my eyes about how much I've changed. And even if that's where our relationship ends, i'll be happy with it. I'm glad someone has shown me that I'm not this person, I'm not this person who can't open up and share her emotions. I'm not someone who shuts down, and doesn't let anyone in. I don't want to be vulnerable, but I also don't want to be alone.

I'm going to try.

Since I've been blogging like crazy lately, I'm going to try one of these things?

Day 01; Your current relationship status, how’s that going for you?
Day 02; Where you’d like to be in 10 years.
Day 03; Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 04; Your views on religion.
Day 05; A time you thought about ending your own life.
Day 06; Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.
Day 07; Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.
Day 08; A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.
Day 09; Nine things you would like to say to nine people
Day 10; Discuss your first love and first kiss.
Day 11; Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.
Day 12; Midnight snack of choice
Day 13; Somewhere you’d like to move or visit.
Day 14; Your earliest memory. 
Day 15; Something hard you have been through this year
Day 16; A letter to someone from your past.
Day 17; Seven clothing items you would like to have.
Day 18; Something or a few things that annoy you.
Day 19; One way to win your heart.
Day 20; How important you think education is.
Day 21; One of your favorite shows.
Day 22; How have you changed in the past 2 years?
Day 23; Give pictures of 5 guys who are famous who you find attractive.
Day 24; Your favorite movie and what it’s about.
Day 25; Someone who fascinates you and why.
Day 26; What kind of person attracts you?
Day 27; A confession about your life.
Day 28; Something that you miss.
Day 29; Goals for the next 30 days.
Day 30; Your favorite moment of the past month.

One day at a time.

I just need to focus on one day at time. Everyday things will get a little easier. Everyday I need to focus on not texting him, not stalking him, not calling him. Everyday it will get a little easier to get over him. For me to realize that he doesn't feel this way for me. I need to focus on me. If I spend half as much time trying to improve myself and my life, as the time I spent stalking or thinking about boys. I would definitely be where I wanted to be in life. I hate being emotional. I almost envy those psychotic people that can't feel emotions and think logically of everything. I bet they get so much farther in life.