Wasting time.

I find myself being very interested and attracted to my ex fiance. Who I was engaged to when my daughter was mere days old. And I called it off when she was mere months old. Because my intentions were faulty. I didn't love him. Very much like. But definitely not love. I purely wanted a father for my child. Whoever that may be. Luckily I realized before making a huge mistake. But now, over four years later... We have reconnected. And I can't help but having these feelings. Is it because of our past? Am I curious? Or could I have been wrong the whole time? I can't be having these feelings now. He has two kids now. My daughter has lived 4 years without a father. Can I really consider being with him again? I could have got things right all in the beginning. But I was trying to save me and my daughter from a world of hurt in the future. But was I wrong? I hate that I could have made the wrong choice. That my life could still end up where it was headed four years ago. But this time three times more complicated. Maybe i'm just over thinking. We're just talking. I haven't even seen him. But what if I see him and that makes everything more intense? I hate being a girl. I hate over thinking. I hate that I created this blog purely because my mind wouldn't stop racing and I needed to stop and write it out just to make sense of my thoughts. I'm not sure I feel any better.

I'm going insane.

Why do I ONLY WANT what I can't have? I have absolutely NO INTEREST in it at all. But the second I realize it doesn't want me. Or that I can't have it. I INSTANTLY want it. More then anything on earth. This is something that's embedded in us from birth. Children always have toys they could care less about, but then when someone else wants it. They want it. They don't want to share. It's theirs. I guess this isn't exactly the same. Obviously it's about a boy. I don't want him because someone else wants him. I want him because he doesn't want me. And the more he rejects me, the more I want him. I'm literally going insane. He's all that I think about. I use to think I missed this feeling. But now that I have it. I liked being a cynical ass hole who only used men for their bodies.

I hate being a girl.

I don't know if it's because I'm PMS-ing or I'm just tired of being alone. But I've been acting more like a 'girl' this last week than I've ever done in my entire life. Over thinking everything. Letting my emotions get the best of me. Stressing over everything he does or doesn't do. I've spent YEARS trying to break myself of this behavior. And I have to say I've gotten pretty good at it. Probably to good. Too good at putting up walls, keeping a safe distance, never having feelings. Thinking to logically, never even letting myself feel those emotions that use to once take over my life. But then it's like a light switch. And I feel just like I use to feel. And I'm not sure that I can say I like this better. I like to feel things. I like to have emotions, I like letting people in. But I need a good balance. Why can't I find that balance?

Call your girlfriend.

Call your girlfriend. It's time you had the talk. Give your reasons, say it's not her fault.
But you just met somebody new. Tell her not to get obsessed, second-guessing everything you've said and done. And then when she gets upset, tell her how you never meant to hurt no one. Then you tell her that the only way her heart will mend is when she learns to love again.

Don't you tell her how I give you something that you never even knew you missed.
Don't you even try and explain how it's so different when we kiss.



If only things had went how I planned.

In A Rut.

My life is stuck, never moving forward. I really honestly need to make a change. Acknowledging it isn't enough. I'll go through these times in my life where I get really depressed where i'm at in life and acknowledge I need to make a change, but then I keep giving myself excuses. I'm only 22, I had a child at 17, the economy is really bad right now, I need to spend money on luxuries while I have the chance. But in all honesty, my life isn't waiting. This is my life now. I've know spent the last 4 years of my life with absolutely no change. Still working at Old Navy, making only $3 more an hour then I did when I was 16. Still living at home. Haven't went back to school, well.. that's not entirely true. I did take a Pharmacy Technician course, but of course my procrastination killed that when I took my test a year later and failed by 2 questions. I'd prefer not to get into that. A huge waste of time and money, but I have no one to blame but myself. I've had a recent talk with my aunt, and it's really opened up my eyes. I get depressed i'm not married or making more money, or out on my own. But all of the choices I've been making have been setting me up for failure. I can't keep sitting around waiting for some gorgeous man to sweep me off my feet and ask me to come move into his house and be his wife. It's not realistic. I have such high expectations, that a man who fills them isn't ever going to want me. I've said this before, YEARS AGO in fact. That I wouldn't want me, so how would I expect my perfect man to? But as the beginning of this rant states, ACKNOWLEDGING IT ISN'T ENOUGH. I need to move forward in my life. I think the first step of that is school. I want to talk to someone about getting enrolled in school and getting my bachelors in business. I'd also like to take some generals as well. I do miss school a lot. And I am smart, and enjoyed learning just for the sake of learning. When I actually made an attempt at school. I need to stop spending so much money when I have nothing to show for it. When I do have bills i'll run myself into debt the first month. I spend so much money on nothing. I literally could have paid for a house at this point for the amount of money I've spent on clothes & eating out. So, i'm really going to try and improve myself. And get the fuck out of this rut.

a long way to go.

So, I recently started talking to this amazing guy. Literally perfect. Everything I was looking for to a T. Looks, personality, everything. And he told me very kindly that after getting to know me more, he realized that I wasn't what he was looking for. At first I was hurt, very angry with him. But after getting over that anger, I started to look at it from his perspective. And I realized something, If I was a guy... I wouldn't date me. A 19 year old single parent, living with their parents, making very little money. I wouldn't date me. How am I suppose to expect my perfect man to? I realized that instead of looking for Mr. Perfect, I need to make myself someone that Mr. Perfect would want as well. I don't deserve the best, if I can't offer them the best. Obviously I'm never going to be perfect, but I need to be able to put out what I'm wanting. So, I'm going to start working on me. Trying to make myself someone that he would want. Someone that I would want.

Why do I love you?

I hate everything about you. So why do I love you?

Seriously, even now.
After all the horrible things you said. I still love you.
I never knew why I loved you to begin with.
You're not physically attractive.
I hate almost everything about your personality.
You had so many problems.
You weren't in a good place in your life.
You made me go through one of the hardest times in my life.
I hate you so much.
But I still find myself loving you.